Being willing to grow along spiritual lines is pretty much at the center of my sobriety. I learned that from my old sponsor. Not only that, even though my first sponsor drank again and died, he also taught me this. Not by direction so much, as by the actions he led me to follow.
For me that’s where the Twelfth Step came into my life. Because there were so many calls for AA back when I came in, my first sponsor took me out on an awful lot of these. There were no rehabs back then and few if any detoxes. Hospitals often refused to take drunks in, and so the only people available to alcoholics were members of the program.
I went along, of course, with what my sponsor did, but I rarely understood what this was all about, except hoping to help these people to get sober. How was out of the question for me at that point. Anyway I remember one night when he lined me up with a newer person in the program and sent me out on my own to talk to a doctor of psychology, who had been severely burned. I remember walking in on him and talking to him for about an hour. I should say he talked to me. I was lost and he eventually threw myself and the other man with me out.
Later I went back to my first sponsor and asked him why he sent me on that call, when I really didn’t know how to do what was asked. He just looked at me and smiled and said that if I had won the argument with me he knew I could stay sober. I had to think about that, but in the end I finally knew what he was saying. Yes, I had won the argument. I definitely wanted to stay sober no matter what.
But it wasn’t until my second sponsor introduced me to the Second Step that I finally began to try to live a spiritual way of life and put the Twelve Steps into action. And in the process of going to meetings and talking and sharing with the people in here that I came to understand what that Twelfth Step was all about. After all back then the Fifth Tradition was totally active in groups. The one primary purpose of the group is to carry the AA message to the suffering alcoholic.
Even though I had begun to understand what that message was, I had for some reason become reluctant to really go on Twelfth Step calls. I forget what was going on, but I did learn one thing. Those around me were willing to step up and help me to get out on the road. I will never forget how they were able to make me go out on calls no matter what. I am so grateful for all those who participated in this.
Today I have come to realize that the Twelfth Step is not limited to the new individual who has a desire to stop drinking. Often times I know that no matter how long we have been in this program sober that at times we all run into our own problems. After all we’re still human and we haven’t been cured of this disease. Anyone of us can be suffering and need help from one another. Our old faults can pop up again and negative emotions can drag us down and our thoughts away from why we are here each and everyday.
Anger, frustration, resentments, and a host of other emotions can cause us to stumble over ourselves and misdirect us. That’s when we all need to be reminded of why the primary purpose of our being here is to stay sober one day at a time.
I know I need to remember that. I never ever want to drink again. That’s exactly why I go to meetings regularly and as often as I can. I need to be reminded. I know that, like the BB tells us, that we work this program imperfectly because we’re still human and not saints. It tells me that I still have much to learn in here, no matter what. I know my sponsor taught me that and I need to remember to be grateful for all he gave me.
Anyway I just needed to stop and think about all of this. I never want to forget why I came here. To stay sober one day at a time.