When it comes to Steps Six and Seven I always run into a brick wall. I mean I know I have defects of character. However after all this time in the program they’re still here. Maybe not as bad as they once were, but now and again they tend to pop up.
That doesn’t mean that all of them are coming back. Not so. A lot of them have disappeared. But the main ones, anger, resentment, pride, ego, controlling, laziness, seem to be the main ones. And like I said, I don’t think they are as bad as they once were.
All of this is in the BB. We’re told that we are going to be imperfect in working this program. I definitely can agree with that. Like the book tells me, I’m still human. I should say “we”. We may be trying to live a spiritual way of life, but we’re definitely not saints. That’s in the book also. So along the way we’re going to run into these time and time again.
I have to say all this so that I will not be surprised when something comes up. I know that I sometimes have a problem with my negative emotions. Still not as bad as they once were. Nevertheless I know I have run into anger and sometimes resentments. I know that my mind can drift off into other thoughts than this program. That’s when I can find myself trying to control and run things my way. And so on.
I don’t care how long I have been sober, I still have an incurable disease. It will be with me the rest of my life. I know I’ve thought about all of this before. The fact that my physical side of this disease has been arrested. I never think or desire a drink. I’ve been restored to sanity. The spiritual awakening has come into my life. I’m so grateful.
What was left over after all of that was my humanity. Mental, emotional, and even spiritual. Thank my Higher Power for the last one. But mentally and emotionally I have me under the surface. As long as I’m paying attention and asking for the help I need, I seem to do all right. But when my mind wanders off, which it does at times, I can find myself running down paths I thought I was “cured” of. And then there are times when someone says something, does something, or something happens, and up comes one of these negative emotions and takes over and does my thinking for me.
When any of this occurs I have to remember to be prepared. That takes practice. Discipline I guess. I know what I learned from my sponsor and those old timers in here. I know I have to practice praying short prayers so that when something comes up I’m prepared to ask for the help I need. Especially anger and resentments. None of us needs these and we’re hardly capable of handling these successfully. And that’s exactly when I really need to practice spirituality. I need help.
For me I know it all goes back to reminding myself each and everyday why I am here. I’m here to stay sober a day at a time. I have to remember I have only this day. Yesterday is over and tomorrow is not here yet. Just now is all I have. I definitely need to remind myself again and again.
Praying in the morning and meditating for one. Going to a meeting. I cannot do this alone. I learned all of this a long time ago. And finally at night to take a look at the day. The Tenth Step, especially the Spiritual Axiom in the 12&12. Then the Eleventh Step.
And through all of this there is the one Step I need to being paying attention to. And that’s the Twelfth Step. The Fifth Step in our meetings. Being willing to help someone besides myself. Willing to give away what was so freely given to me.
And then I have to remember to do what I’m doing at this moment. To be grateful and to thank my Higher Power and all those who have helped me to stay sober throughout all of this time in here. Amazing. I need to always say thanks.