There is a word for someone like me, although I think it applies before an action is taken or not. It’s the word scrupulous. It means to be extremely careful to do things right. Exacting.
But, in my case, it always came after I did something “wrong”. I and others applied this word to the inability to forgive oneself. There was a time, when, even after coming into the program that I would constantly condemn myself for everything. Whether I was guilty or not. Talk about taking things to the extreme. I just couldn’t or wouldn’t forgive me for anything.
The consequences to others was that I wouldn’t or couldn’t forgive them. As a result, by the time I reached the 9th Step in this program, my life was packed full of longtime resentments. How could I forgive others, if I couldn’t first forgive myself?
The danger in this kind of thinking is exactly what the BB said it was. A drink.
Fortunately for me was that something happened in the process of working the 9th. After one of those amends something wonderful happened. I choose to think it was the spiritual awakening. It was certainly the restoration to sanity talked about in the BB in between 9 and 10. The placement of myself in a position of neutrality as far as alcohol is concerned. What a relief. Plus the fact that all my resentments vanished.
How am I doing today? Much better. But what I was thinking about the other evening, old habits, among others is this old habit of struggling to forgive myself.
It was a habit learned early on as a child. It pursued me into adulthood and my alcoholism. It’s a habit difficult to exterminate.
It’s intermittent at best. Just once in a while it pops up. Mainly at night, before sleeping. My worst defects, sins of omission, especially with my children, come back and haunt me. Ugh! But then prayer helps and I am able to change my mind. To realize the past is just that. Passed. To stay in the present. And then to remember to forgive others, if anyone happens to show up in my 10th Step.
I know full well that life is not perfect. I’m far from any sort of perfection. I’m still human and subject to all sorts of mistakes along the way. However, as imperfectly as I do things, I have learned something about self forgiveness. The importance of that is that I am free to forgive others, whenever the need appears in my mind. I’m less prone to holding on in my ill advised judgment of others. And that’s a miracle in itself.
I may have been restored to sanity, as far as alcohol goes, but the rest of me is up to question.