What is it about alcoholics that makes it so difficult to surrender and accept being powerless over alcohol? I think Bill W. put it in perspective, when he talked about the two sides of the coin. On the one side is pride. On the other? Doesn’t look like pride, because it’s so low. Self pity and feelings of being the lowest on the totem pole. But, Bill says, they’re the same thing. Pride.
Pride on the one hand feels superior to others. Knows it all. The producer, the man in charge, directing the whole play. Nothing I cannot do. I’ll show you! That kind of thinking. You can’t tell me anything, is part of that.
Then the other side sees people picking on them. Putting them down. Angry and resentful. Hurt by people’s interference in their lives. Comes in and sits, waiting for another blow. How can that possibly be pride? Because this person, me, is the center of attention. Always.
My take on this is that we’re all probably both at one time or another. But it is an obstacle in progressing toward complete surrender.
We were talking about this today. Most of us had to have the stuffing knocked out of us to get us to at least genuflect. Getting us on our knees was still a long way off. When my sponsor asked me to what lengths I was willing to go to get sober, of course my answer was to any lengths. Really?
What was lacking in me was something, which would have to come from some time spent in seeking a spiritual way of life. That was something I had little or no acquaintance with. I’m talking about humility.
I was told this by my sponsor and others. I’m sure I wasn’t listening or even cared if I had humility or not. After all, I had my pride and wasn’t interested in anything which would detract from that. My ego was still swelled up and pushing any thought of “bowing or scraping” to anyone or anything. Then on the other hand was those moments of whining and whimpering because of others and what I imagined they were doing to me. I didn’t have time for something so foreign to me as humility.
But one thing I can guarantee today is that, if I continue along this path and even subscribe to what I have been taught, that the superstructure of my ego and pride is bound to collapse and come crashing to the ground. That’s because it eventually did just.
That’s why I always think that people coming in today should have met the old timers I knew. They would not hesitate to puncture my balloon. My ego and my pride. I look back at that and have nothing but gratitude that they knew exactly what I needed. I needed to be knocked off my high horse. To be cut down to size. I didn’t need to be babied or coddled. I needed to have my inventory taken by people, who knew what they were talking about.
The day came, when I woke up and knew exactly what I had to do to accomplish what was expected of me. I realized what the spiritual director I knew said about my coming through the door was barely genuflecting. I came to know what I was being asked to do, if I wanted to stay sober and grow along spiritual lines. I gave up. The fight with myself was over. I did become willing to do what it would take.
And that’s it isn’t it. The war I was going through was with me. I was fighting and arguing with me. On the one hand I desperately wanted to get sober and on the other I didn’t want to give up. I said I was an alcoholic. Wow! To me that was a big step. But notice, it’s rare any of us introduce ourselves as being powerless over alcohol. Oh, that comes out, when we’re speaking, but isn’t that what’s expected of us?
Anyway, I had to stop and think about the process of surrender and acceptance. Maybe it’s easier for others, but it was something else for me. I’m not sure I’m all that rare either. Maybe this process is just what I needed to go through. Imagine, if I hadn’t had to struggle so much with this I might have drank again and be dead by now. No, I believe my “war” was necessary. It kept me busy. Too busy to think of anything else.
I also believe I was in a position of safety from that next drink. I had a wall of old timers around me protecting me from myself. I didn’t know that at the time, but I do now, looking back. Thank the God of my understanding for them. I wouldn’t be here without them.
Anyway, this is what I was thinking.