Sometimes the best thing to happen to me in a meeting is not to be called on. Gives me a chance not to break up the thoughts going through my head on the subject at hand. And today it was a new man and someone coming back again.
Both of these people did the same thing to me that often happens, when I hear them speaking and acknowledging where they are on the scale of sobriety or not. And that reminds me of how I was back then. I wonder if they know they’re alcoholics or not. I sure didn’t. In fact, as I have often said, I didn’t have any idea of what an alcoholic was. And certainly didn’t know that there was a program like AA or anything about it.
When I came into this program it was in all reality a new beginning to life for me. I was shown a message of hope. I was given a BB and in the Doctor’s Opinion found out what was wrong with me for the first time. Talk about hope. And then was given the same message we always get at meetings like this. The offer of the hand of AA and the help of the people in these rooms. Despite my ignorance and insanity, as the result of all that alcohol I had drunk over the years, I must have heard something, because I had no trouble in agreeing to come back again and follow what I was told. Up to a limit anyway.
I was still filled with the thoughts of a rebel. I believe for the most part we’re all somewhat a little rebellious, when being told what to do. I know that my first reaction at hearing others telling me things my reaction was that they were wrong. I knew better. I knew what to do. All I wanted was not to drink, I’d go to meetings with alcoholics like myself, but I was different in regards to everything else I was being told.
What a shock it was when I was told to shut up and listen. That old timer, who told me that took my breath away. I was told that I knew how to drink, but I didn’t know how to stay sober and if I would listen I would learn what I needed on how to get sober and stay sober. I didn’t know that I didn’t know. I only thought I knew.
I had to learn how to surrender. When I finally read the 12&12, the First Step, I saw what it said and came to believe that. I know I had hit bottom. I had so much pain my last day drinking that I was willing to kill myself rather than go through what I was suffering. And I did finally become willing to listen as only the dying can listen. That was me. I knew that deep within myself. I was fortunate. I’ve never ever had to drink again since I came through these doors.
I looked at these two people and others in the room, who were recent additions to the group and hoped that they heard what they needed to. My mind which has been witness to so many of these meetings over the years, though hopeful, knows the reality. Not always something that works. The message is given but often not accepted. Sad but the reality.
I look at the number of people in this program, about a million and a half, and then the number of probable alcoholics in this country, another 20 million or so. It’s kind of discouraging, except that I’m reminded of just how fortunate I am and others like myself, and then I remember just how powerless I am, and I become filled with gratitude.
And that’s what I was thinking in the meeting. Just how I started my day with thanks to my Higher Power and all those who have helped me through the years.