This morning I received a phone call before I was awake. Unfortunately it was from a man, who, after being sober a while, had gone back out and was drinking again. For me not a great wake up call.
And then at the meeting today there was someone coming back and a few who had just recently returned. All this bringing getting sober back to mind and refreshing my program and what got me sober.
It was a reminder of who is in charge. From the very beginning of my sobriety I was aware it wasn’t me who allowed me to stop drinking. Left up to me I would have ended my life. I was in such pain and despair that I could not stop drinking. In fact I told the young person coming back that I hoped they were going through enough pain so that they were willing to surrender. Pretty much what the First Step in the 12&12 tells us about the need to hit bottoms. To become willing to listen as only the dying can listen. That was me.
I know I wasn’t the only one thinking about the introduction of a Power greater than ourselves into our lives to stop us from drinking. A number of others felt that this was the only answer to us stopping drinking. I know that the only thing, which saved my life, was the prayer I said to the God of my understanding asking him to stop me from drinking. And he did. I can never forget that. Up to that point nothing I did could stop me. And that prayer was what worked.
After I was in this program a while I was definitely introduced to the Second Step and a spiritual way of life. It became clearer and clearer that I definitely didn’t have anything to do with my getting sober. All I could bring to this was a sense of willingness to surrender. The rest was not up to me. I owe it all to my Higher Power. And I need to bring my thanksgiving to him each and every day I stay sober. I have never had to go back out again. In fact I owe everything I have to my being restored to sanity and being placed in a position of neutrality as far as alcohol is concerned to God as I understand him.
What helped me in all of this was my sponsor. He was the one who punctured my huge self centered ego by telling me that I didn’t know that I didn’t know. I only thought I did. This ego deflation in depth was exactly what this alcoholic desperately needed. It flattened me because, no matter how angry it made me, I knew he was right. In fact he enlarged on that statement by telling me that I was educated beyond my intelligence. Fortunately for me I was able to understand the truth of all of this.
I was sitting here thinking about the person who called me and those “new” alcoholics today and wish I could reach out and help them get sober. But it’s not up to me. It’s beyond my power. It’s in God’s hands, not mine. I’ve done all I could. And I can’t stop them from drinking and possibly killing themselves, as I have seen before. I couldn’t then and I can’t now. All I can do is be willing to carry the message to them which this program offers each and everyone of us. I need to be grateful that I can be part of this. Then I need to stop and remember to say the Serenity Prayer. To accept the things I cannot change.
Like so many in the meeting today I have to be grateful and be part of the Twelfth Step and the Fifth Tradition. To be able to offer the compassion given to me by my sponsor and those old timers. Thanks.