Had to laugh today, when a very new person wanted to bring up a subject about anger. Made me think back to when I was fairly new and had a number of things happen, when I opened my big mouth. One was when that old timer yelled out “Shut up!”. That got my attention. Those old timers back then didn’t want to hear from new people in meetings. Out of the meetings it was different. That’s because they knew that we didn’t know what we were talking about.
My sponsor was an old timer and he knew that I didn’t know that I didn’t know. I only thought I did. And he was right. Eventually I began to learn how correct he was in telling me that. And I had to tell a friend today about a time I called him up late at night and he told me to go to the BB and read. I asked him where in the BB. His answer was “Anywhere!” and hung up. And again he was right. I read for a short time and fell asleep. Cracks me up every time I think about it.
Overtime I learned how right the Fifth Tradition is. It’s the groups job to carry the AA message to the alcoholic, who still suffers. Not the other way around and those old timers knew that. I know I had to learn to be quiet and listen. To open my mind and my heart. Not easy and it took time. But I did stop trying to talk at meetings, until I had begun to practice these Steps in here. Not an overnight event. Like they told me, that time takes time.
On the other hand I finally did what I was told. I got a sponsor and learned to take the walls down I had built around myself out of fear. I started to get honest and began to share with him. Then I had to learn to stop thinking and listen to him in return. And as I began to slow down I started to learn things I had never really thought of before.
Of course I had to be able to go through those first three Steps as soon as I was able to understand what I was doing. The First Step I found was critical. I learned that I had to be a hundred percent into surrender. Until I achieved that I learned that I would always be in a dangerous place. I have seen the results of partial “surrender” over and over again. People slipping and sliding in and out of the program. Talk about the subject of anger. They would get angry and resentful and drink again. And I have seen a number of them die as a result.
That’s why the 12&12 talks about the importance of bottoms in the First Step. The need for pain and desperation. I know exactly what that meant. I was in so much pain and despair, when I unknowingly worked that First Step. I was going to kill myself, because I couldn’t stop drinking. At that moment was when I learned something else, even though I had no idea what I was doing. I was rescued and given hope. And that got me to pray and ask for help for the first time in years. Moreover I was so desperate that I begged God and was willing to do anything to never drink again. I had to learn to listen as only the dying are willing to listen.
I have heard others like myself in here, who went through much of the same thing. And like myself they came in and were totally committed to never drink again. Ever. Were they full of knowledge of what they were doing? Absolutely not. I wasn’t. In fact all I wanted was to never drink again. As far as working this program, I thought I knew what I was doing and wouldn’t listen. Not until I got a sponsor who became my guide. The man who saved my life I realize now.
After I came in, like those people who were so crushed by their bottoms, I really never thought of a drink again. I hear them when they say this and know the truth of that absolute surrender. Like Bill points out that this is the only Step we can work a hundred percent. The rest, because of our faults and being human, we will do imperfectly. Just the way it is.
I know something else that gives the new person difficulty. That’s being introduced to the spiritual side of this program too early. When I read that fourth chapter in the BB, We Agnostics, I could see where I was having difficulties. Coming to believe in a Power greater than ourselves made me balk and stumble. However I did catch the threat to my sobriety. That I had to learn to live a spiritual life or die an alcoholic death. It had my attention from then on. Amazing that I had forgotten my prayer and the solution I was given.
Anyway I was thinking about all of this today. Probably a lot more, but enough for now. I just wanted to renew my thoughts on why I am here. To stay sober and live a better life than I had out there. To never ever drink again. To realize how blessed I have been in here. To realize that how really happy I am that I’m an alcoholic, because it gave me the freedom to come into this program and get sober.
I am so grateful for all I have been given and need to thank my Higher Power and all the people in here, who have helped me over the years. Thanks.