Tomorrow looks like a busy day for this alcoholic. Doctors appointment in the morning. Meeting at noon and then I have to speak at a meeting in the late afternoon. The first two are not bad. The doctor’s visit is always and uncomfortable experience, but not all that bad. But the third one…I have other ideas of where I would rather be at that moment. And it’s not up there speaking.
I’m grateful for Bill W. and my sponsor and those old timers. From them I learned that I’m just another alcoholic like everyone else. I’m not here to speak officially for the program. Just another alcoholic sharing as we all do our lives and experiences with alcohol and our sober lives from coming into this program and working these Steps into our lives.
One of the things I remember about this was a woman friend of mine, who was in this program and with whom I worked. She met Bill W. at a reception down in Md. She told me that, when she got in line to personally meet him, she began to shake all over. She was so nervous in having to personally face up to him. Anyway, when she got up to him, she said he was taller and had to lean down, and he said to her, “What’s wrong, honey? Why are you shaking?” She said she told him how nervous she was. “Look, honey,” he said, “I’m just another alcoholic like you.” I never forgot that. We’re all the same no matter what our status seems to be. Just another drunk.
I know despite everything that I probably have never worked this program perfectly, no matter what my intentions might be. We’re told the only Step we can work perfectly is the First. That’s because the pain we suffer from, when we hit our bottoms, forces us to surrender totally to the fact that we are powerless over alcohol. No question. And even the fact that our lives are unmanageable. Although this latter part of the Step may take time in here, because it’s not part of the physical illness we have. It’s more mental and emotional. It can pop up down the line at anytime. The important thing is that we never want to drink ever again.
The changes I go through here in the program, after I stop drinking, and come in and start to do these Steps are going to take time. I know from my own experiences and that of so many others I have known in here that after the First Step the rest are going to be affected by what is wrong with me. My thinking. My inner self. My emotions and my reservations. The changes I go through are going to take time to work themselves out. I look back and think how my faults and defects still show up. That’s because I am human, and alcoholic. It gets better over time but they will still show up because, even though I’m committed to live a spiritual way of life, I probably will always wander off the path and run into myself.
But it’s that perfect commitment I made in that First Step, which can keep me on track to live a sober life and to do the best I can under the human circumstances of my life. Like the BB states that the spiritual life is not a theory. We have to live it. I have to try to remember that and to try to the best of my ability to put this program into action. To practice these principles in all of my affairs.
One of the things I think that makes this possible is that I can only do this a day at a time. It’s all I have. What is past has passed. The future is not in my control. I only have this moment and no more. And that’s probably why my faults and defects pop up. When I find myself drifting forward or backwards. And that’s where the Second Step comes into my life like it did when I was helped by my old sponsor.
The thought of that Second Step comes to my mind frequently because it is what began to open the door to this program for me. It helped me to begin to change, because up to that time I had no idea what I should be doing, except not drink. Having a Higher Power in my life began to give me the strength I needed to go forward. I discovered what was wrong with me. I lacked power and, if I wanted to be restored to sanity, I was going to have to, at least in my mind, come to believe. I did and it changed my whole life.
Anyway I’m a little surprised at the direction my thoughts took me today. Although they are perfect for me. I’m glad I stopped and thought about all of this. It was a good reminder in helping me to remember why I am here. To stay sober a day at a time. That today is a good day and I’m grateful that I am sober and have been given the help I have needed to do just that. The help I have received from my Higher Power and other alcoholics like myself have been the source of my gratitude for me. I know I need to be able to say thanks for what I have been given each and everyday and to act it out in dealing with others like myself.