I was reminded today of how difficult it is for some of us to get this program and get sober and stay sober. This was our monthly “chip day”. Anniversaries for those who began their sobriety this month.
How easy it is for me to look back after all this time and see what it was like for me back when I came in. I listened to so many, who had difficulties in remaining in the program on and off over time. I could well understand where they were coming from back when they started to stop drinking. The alcoholic mind for someone like me is not a mystery.
As I listened to those, who had picked up their chips today, I couldn’t help but think about how fortunate I was to have the experience I did coming into the program. In my case, I was so crushed and in pain from what alcohol had done to me that I couldn’t go on. It was for me to keep on drinking with all the drinking and my inability to stop or to choose to stop living. I couldn’t stand the bondage alcohol held me in. My bottom was too much suffering within. Total blackness within me and the weight of despair.
That was what got me to finally beg the God of my understanding to free me from the slavery alcohol held me in. And it worked. I can always look back and see how my bottom drove me to surrender completely to my being powerless over alcohol. And, as one man pointed out to me one day, I had a spiritual awakening before I walked through the doors of AA. For me that was a miracle I can never forget.
But, as I listened, I could hear the difficulties others had that I didn’t. Some I think, as they later learned after they did get sober, were some mental blocks within. They were in need they discovered of counseling and medication for what was making them make the bad judgments they made in continuing to drink when they had tried to stop or stay stopped.
Others, it was obvious, hadn’t quite hit their bottoms, when they had first decided to come to this program. Some just wanted enough time off from drinking so that they hoped they could continue to drink without the problems alcohol had begun to insert into their lives. They hadn’t experienced the pain of a “real” bottom it seemed.
It made me think about those I had Twelfth Stepped in the past with another sober alcoholic. I had been taught that I should not go on a Twelfth Step alone. It might be too dangerous I found out. And I was told that alone I might be tempted to join in drinking with them as some had experienced before. On a few occasions I ran across some who changed their minds and pulled weapons out. Those were moments not to forget.
Anyway I was aware of people like myself, who suffered from what someone like me dragged into this program. My paranoia for one. My being self centered. My overwhelming ego which told me that I didn’t need to do what this program asked me to do. I had convinced myself with my sick mind that I could control everything. That I knew what I was doing and didn’t have to listen to these sober people in here.
Looking back at what my sponsor and other old timers had to go through with trying to help me, I could well understand why so many go back out again. I certainly had worked with people like this myself. And that was pretty much when I became aware of the Serenity Prayer. I had to learn to accept that I was powerless over people. I learned that I had to ask my Higher Power for the strength to let go of those I found who were not ready to do what was asked of them. Makes me grateful that my sponsor and old timers had the patience and willingness to help a stubborn mule like myself.
Anyway, here is another day in which I have been blessed to be sober. A gift was given to me by my Higher Power with the help of other alcoholics. And I had to learn, though I was not responsible for being here, I was responsible for staying here and doing what I needed to do to remain sober. Thanks.