Today it became very clear to me, as I talked to some and listened in a meeting, what was really wrong with me, when I came to this program. Besides being a young teen child at 42 years of age. The weight of alcoholism on my mind and my body was being played around with and I had no idea what that was. It could have been deadly, but my sponsor helped me to turn all of this around. That and the deaths of two men, who went back out drinking after ten years in this program.
When I came into this program I was suffering from these walls I had put around myself to keep others from getting close to me. I knew I didn’t want to ever drink again, but I really didn’t want to get close to anyone and listen to what they had to say. My sick over sized pride and ego told me I knew what I was doing. And what I was doing was one way of opening the door back out into the world of alcoholism. I was deaf, dumb, and blind as a result of my self centered thinking.
It wasn’t that I was not talking to others, but they were just like me. My sponsor, when he finally caught up to me and got my attention told me that I needed to stay away from the “losers” and to stick with the “winners”. For some reason it got my attention. Probably because I was slowly becoming aware of just how dangerous my thinking was.
Of course that’s when he hit me with the announcement that I didn’t know that I didn’t know, I only thought I did. And he was right. I almost knew that when he said it. Today I look around the rooms and I often see myself in others. Others who come in suffering from paranoia. Fear of others and either isolating or hanging out with the “losers” like myself back then. That was me.
Today I think to myself that, even after all this time in sobriety, that I still don’t know. Oh, I do know what I learned in here, but I have discovered after all these years in here that I’m still human. I’m a stumbling and bumbling alcoholic, who still can trip myself up with my faults, my defects. That’s because I have this faulty way of thinking, which sometimes tells me that I know exactly what I’m doing. My ego takes back over and once again deafens me and blinds me and trips me up.
That’s where I need that Tenth Step and the help of others like myself. I recently had a run in with myself and others, because I had convinced myself that I was handling the “weights” in my life very well. I could laugh and pass them off like nothing was wrong. In fact I found out there really was nothing but good news. The truth was that I really didn’t know that until experts in their field revealed that. I was totally unaware of the stress I was under. And I tripped over my temper before I knew it. I wasn’t listening to others, who were trying to help me. I didn’t know that I didn’t know. I only thought I did.
I often think my long term in here is another defense I have against the stuff I fail to see. I am truly grateful for my Higher Power and the people in here, who are willing to confront my stupidity. My ignorance, which needs to be shown to me. I have to remember how my old sponsor and those old timers never hesitated to deflate my ego in depth. Amazing. And it worked. I still need to remember I’m an alcoholic, who needs all the help he can get to stay sober one day at a time.
That doesn’t mean that I can’t pass what I have I learned in here to others like myself, who need help. Just like the group’s primary purpose is to pass the program’s message along to the alcoholic, who is suffering, so is mine. The Twelfth Step. Whenever it’s presented to me. I will do the best I can and try to remember that I’m powerless over people, places, and things. I have to accept that and be able to walk away from someone who is not willing to accept what was so freely given to me.
Anyway listening to others made my story clear to me today. Made me grateful for all that has been given to me. It helped me to change and to stay sober a day at a time in here. Like I often hear; it’s beyond my wildest dreams. How this program and my Higher Power have changed my life. Saved my life and restored me to sanity. Provided me with a spiritual awakening, which has given me a new freedom and a new happiness, peace of mind and serenity over time. All these Promises in here have come true and are always available, when I back off from myself and am willing to listen.
Just another day to remind myself of why I am here. Makes me grateful.