One of the things which came out of today’s meeting was that a number of those in attendance had to look at themselves and ask themselves questions about their sobriety. They really weren’t alone. I know myself that I had to look at what got me here and what was I doing to remain sober.
This was apparently because a person coming back had never really settled in for sobriety. Just back and forth. Discouraging that was for sure. But what made some come up with questions was what they were doing or not doing which would help them to stay here or go back out. Interesting.
Talking to others afterward made me aware of my own needs to pay attention to what I have been doing. For instance I talked to a couple of people and the practice of starting my day over, when I found myself sinking into a negative pit. What I needed to do and would I do it? That was one thing. The other was being willing to change my attitude and how to do it. Where did the spiritual life come into the picture?
In fact this had been discussed a number of times this past week or more. I can always remember my sponsor and others pointing out to me my need to begin to practice my starting my day over. In fact I believe I can remember the first time I did that and the fact that it worked. Learning to step aside and pray and ask for the courage and strength to do it. And then doing it. I heard a man the other day go through a description of doing this. I know that we were always encouraged to remember and to do it.
And of course, that always brings up the subject of what is it I’m doing today to stay sober. Do I ever stop and think about this? I know that I need to, as do we all. When we talked about not taking ourselves so seriously, the second part of that, to take what we’re doing seriously. That part “the doing”. Am I aware and am I conscious of what it is I need to do on a daily basis? That was certainly a question some brought up about their practices.
I always go back to the monk, Thomas Merton, and his prayer where he says, Nor do I know myself, and the fact that I think I’m doing your will does not mean I’m actually doing that. I may not have been perfect in my “quote” but it’s pretty much what he said. I have often been able to identify with him. There are times, even though I know we have done our inventories and we talk about ourselves with others, I can still step back and know that I have questions about myself and what it is I think I’m doing.
And all this is for me where I have to practice my dependence on my Higher Power. I know that I have a “practice” of a short prayer often in the day, where I ask for the help I know I need in trying to remain faithful and live this program. I have to change my attitude and practice achieving hope and follow that with faith that I am being cared for by my Higher Power. In fact I can look at my life and what has happened and what I have been given and know that this program has worked for me. I’m still sober today. I’m still alive, when I can only guess I shouldn’t have been. The freedom from the bondage of alcohol is certainly still there. And the promises have all come into my life just as the BB states in the Ninth Step. That and the restoration to sanity and the spiritual awakening. And there’s much more.
Anyway I think we all need from time to time to “wake up” and refresh our actions and our thinking. Today seemed to be one of those moments and I’m am truly grateful. Grateful to all of those I was privileged to be able talk and share with. I may not “know myself”, but I know enough to remain in these rooms, where I can get the help I need. I know that I cannot stay sober by myself and have to come to meetings and share and be shared with. To be reminded of what it is I don’t always know and need to be reminded of what I have forgotten.
Just another reminder of why I am here today and what it is I need to do. To stay sober a day at a time. To do what is necessary and to ask my Higher Power and others for whatever it is I need. And, yes, I am grateful for all I have been given.