Good question. Do I have enough humility to get rid of a resentment and thus save myself from death from a drink of alcohol? I’ve seen these deaths and know that humility would have been the answer.
That was the kind of thing my sponsor and those old timers would get me to see and pay attention to. They had no gentle relief for me. If they saw my ego getting in my way they would definitely know how to deflate that over sized ego of mine. I have had a lot of experience of getting knocked off my high horse. The one I “rode” into the program on. My out of control ego. And I really wasn’t even aware of it.
One of the dangers they knew they had to get me to change were my emotions. My sponsor and others would always tell us that we had to learn how to get our intellects over our emotions. Or, as my sponsor would always tell me, think with your head and not your heart. I was to learn in here, if I wanted to do this, I had to really begin to have humility. That was because I had to begin to live a spiritual life in here, if I wanted to stay sober. I was going to have to come up with a Higher Power in that Second Step. I had to learn that I was no longer in charge. I mean my free will was still there, but it was going to have to be my choice. That was going to become a wake up call for me.
Like I said I found out one of these dangers was my “justifiable” anger. At least that’s the way it would show up in me and take over my thinking and my actions. And then I would go right into resentment. And like the BB said and I have witnessed, resentments cut us off from the sunlight of the spirit and that leads us back to a drink. And like it said, for us to drink is to die. I certainly have witnessed this in others and know how real that is. I know that is enough to get my attention and to tell me I need to back off and get the courage I need to change. And that has only been available to me from my Higher Power. I need to ask for help. The strength and the power necessary to turn my ego and my emotions around.
One of the warning signs I know is when I find myself falling down into one of those dark pits within. Back then my sponsor and others would tell me to stop my day and start it over again. I was told to step back and pray. Ask for help and then learn how to change my attitude from negative to positive. To not go any further than this moment. It’s still a day at a time and I had to stop projecting into the future or sinking back into the past. And I needed to ask for the help I needed to do this. To have the hope and the faith that the God of my understanding could do for me what I cannot do for myself.
None of this happened over night. I had to learn that time takes time and to practice doing what I needed to do in here to begin to change. I had to face the fact that I had dragged a lot of junk through these doors with me. I was definitely immature and convinced I knew everything and that I didn’t need to listen to others. I had to unlearn this kind of thinking and that changing my thinking from the wrong way to the right way was going to come only by learning how to practice what I was given in this program. I had to have the humility to back off and start all over again. Again and again and again.
Part of that was to learn that I needed discipline, which I had failed to learn or practice out there before I came here. I needed all the help I could get. I had to once again learn to practice humility which I deeply lacked. I had to learn how to cheer up rather than allow myself to be dragged down into my own negative thinking controlled by my emotions. I had always failed to learn that most of the time there was no reality at the basis of these. Old habits die hard and that’s what I was suffering from. Reading the Eighth Step in the 12&12, where Bill talked about how our unconscious minds wrecked our lives was certainly another wake up call. When I stopped and thought about that and talked to others with experience in here I began to realize what he was saying. I also began to learn that from spiritual writers.
Anyway I had to learn how to get an open mind and an open heart and to listen to others and not myself. Took time to do this over and over again. Thank my old sponsor for getting me to put that Second Step into my life. To begin to believe in something other than me. I had to develop a Higher Power and begin to see it working in my life. And, as I went through these Steps and doing other things as suggested, I began to experience what this program told me I would. Especially when I was restored to sanity and the spiritual awakening. Then the Promises in the Ninth Step. That new freedom and new happiness, I never want to ever forget. And it didn’t come to me as a result of my thinking and my intellect. It was given to me by this program, my Higher Power, and the people in here. I am grateful.