Talking to others in here reminded me of a problem I had to learn the solution to, when I got sober. And that was my inability to forgive someone for something. I had already come to understand that if I was seeking forgiveness myself that I had to learn to forgive others.
But often my resentments would take over. Or was that the truth?
What I discovered was that when I came in I found that I was filled with guilt and remorse. It’s what drove me to my Fourth and Fifth Steps early on in this program. I couldn’t stand myself. Anyway, as I went on, I found that I still had anger at some. Usually people close to me in my life. Family or old acquaintances. Yet it took a long time in here to come to realize that the reason I was still holding on to stuff which made me angry at those once close to me was that I could not forgive myself for what I had done to them. Usually those who had suffered from my drinking in their lives.
Yet, if I was going to stay sober, I had to remove my anger and resentments against them. I knew I had to do this, if I really wanted to stay sober. I had already seen what holding onto these resentments could do to others, who went back out and drank again. Some died.
One of my problems was my self centered immaturity. I really had never grown up. And alcohol had insured that I wouldn’t. And one of these elements can be found in the Serenity Prayer. I couldn’t accept the fact that I was not in charge. I still had this demand fueled by self pity to control things. Especially people. I wanted them to do what I wanted them to do. The “director” in the BB. And one of them was to acknowledge forgiveness for what I might have done. But I never even thought of ever forgiving them for what they had done or I had imagined they had done. I could say that prayer and never pay any attention to what I was doing or not doing.
However bad examples were beginning to put pressure on me that I needed to change. And that was another part of the Serenity Prayer, the courage to change the things I can. And that’s where the wisdom to know the difference began to seep in. That and my sponsor and others, who were trying to help me. It was then a couple of things came into the picture. One was that I had to admit to my Higher Power just how weak I actually was and how much help I needed. That and watching the examples of others, who had the same problems I had and who were able to change and bring about forgiveness of self in order to forgive others. One of those came in the spiritual axiom in the Tenth Step in the 12&12, that whenever we’re disturbed there is something wrong with us. A hard pill to swallow for someone like me.
Fortunately for me I acquired a spiritual director back then, who cut me down to size, when they pointed out how huge my ego was. Told me it was a wonder anyone could live on this planet with the overwhelming ego I had. That and I was going to have to learn how to give up the argument that my hidden anger was justified. I was just going to have to wake up and begin to grow along spiritual lines and acquire at least a little humility. I needed to learn how to accept that I needed to be cut down to size and grow up.
All this began to definitely emphasize the importance of my staying sober. I was going to have to learn to change. And that’s where, for me, I had to develop hope and faith that my Higher Power could do for me what I could not do for myself. I was going to have to learn how reaching out to help others would begin to change my attitude and help me develop compassion and caring. I desperately needed to develop a new attitude toward others.
And there were points in practicing that Ninth Step where I began to realize the effect of that Second Step, the restoration to sanity.
Anyway, in thinking about staying sober today, the emphasis was on learning forgiveness and practicing that toward myself and others. That in spite of whatever they thought or practiced. I needed to learn how to let go.
Just another day in living a sober life in here.