Had to go back to the beginning again today. A guy I know had gone back out and drank again. My listening to people responding to him got my mind going. Very many of them were new or fairly new. Took me back to what it was like for me at that stage.
Like many I heard today, I was probably listening to me as I was back then. Like my sponsor said, I didn’t know that I didn’t know that I didn’t know. I only thought I did. And that’s what I was hearing from those today. In fact the man I knew, because I knew what I had heard.
I can never forget how much this program has changed in a sense. Back when I came in, if someone like me opened my mouth, I heard “Shut up! You don’t know what you’re talking about. You know how to drink but you don’t know how to stay sober!” And those old timers were right. Now we let others go on for too long and they are in the same boat I was back then. In fact it’s never going to be helpful to the ones who need it.
I didn’t talk during the meeting, but the man came up to me and asked me for my thoughts. I told him he needed to concentrate on one thing. The First Step. He asked what to read and I told him the Doctor’s Opinion and no more than the first three chapters. I would have asked him to read the First Step in the 12&12, but felt that it would be confusing at this time.
Why I was thinking this way is because from my experience and that of others like myself I know how difficult it is in the beginning. How difficult it can be for a long time. A friend of mine reminded me of someone with a little time, who is going through confusion and difficulties. Just brings up these statements we hear, that time takes time. That this is not an overnight affair. And like I was thinking we have to take these Steps one at a time and they are not going to happen in a flash.
I know from experience how difficult it is to get out of ones own way. Not only did I drag my alcoholism through these doors, but also my unmanageable life. I lacked being in touch with spirituality, but I also was constantly tripping over my ego. My self centered thinking which told me that I knew what I was doing. That I was in control. Even though inside I was in such pain and suffering. I was full of self pity and blaming others for my problems. I thought I would accept this but not that. Mostly not that.
I was so grateful for my second sponsor, who took charge of my restless and irritable mind. At least when I would let him. All this took time. I look back at how much help he brought to me and opened the door to turning my life around. And he began all that with the Second Step. I have been unable to forget that. It’s what turned my life around.
But again it all began with taking the time I needed to acquire a one hundred percent surrender to that First Step. After all I have an incurable disease and I need to have all I would need to keep me on track. I came here never ever to drink again. I did get help from the God of my understanding, though I was too ignorant and dumb to realize what happened which stopped me from drinking. It was going to take time to get my mind opened enough to start to realize what was going on.
My sobriety is the most important thing in my life. Without it I would have been dead a long time ago. I have to be grateful and act out in gratitude for all that I have been given since stepping through these doors. Thank goodness for all those old timers and my sponsor, who helped me to back off and begin to open my mind and my heart to listen to them. They had what I needed. I had to learn to respect that. I didn’t come here to change what definitely doesn’t need any changes.
I often go back and look at those Twelve Steps and see how they’re written. They’re written in the past tense. These men, who went before me were telling me that they worked these Steps and they worked. The evidence was right there before me all the time. All I had to do was to learn what they did and do it. I had to take what I thought I had learned and leave it outside the door of the rooms and come in and sit down and pay attention. Hard to do when ones mind is racing off in all directions, driven by crazy emotions. Again time takes time.
Anyway after I got home I had to sit down and think about all of this. My sobriety is the most important thing in my life. In fact my life depends on it. I have found peace and happiness as a result of following the directions I was given. I often step back and think of how often I tried to ignore what I was being told. I had to learn to never quit and keep on keeping on.
Just being grateful and thinking about staying sober this day.