A longtime friend of mine was discussing a little blue booklet, which at one time was very popular in this program, entitled Acceptance. I remembered that, but don’t have a copy anymore. Her interest was in what it means for people like us. She mentioned what Sandy B. said so many times, Let go and let God.
That backed me off, in the sense I rarely go to that word anymore. Acceptance. Meaning to receive with total agreement. I spoke to another alcoholic like myself about it afterward and got the same response. He hadn’t thought about it in a long while either. His response was that he would be given gifts or grace from his Higher Power, directions to do what this program asks of us, but with reservations at times.
I had to think of what he said. Is that me? My guess is that it is. I would have to take a look at it. Whatever it is it probably means that I’m not always satisfied with what is presented to me as part of my staying sober.
All I would have to do is to look at the Serenity Prayer again and see the word “accept”. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change… Do I receive that with a total agreement or concession. Not always I don’t think. Especially if I want to win the argument. Like when I’m giving the gift of a Twelfth Step to someone, who doesn’t want to get sober. My conviction that I am always able to get someone to change their mind, when they don’t want to.
However today, after what she said, I had to go back and examine the word and the part acceptance plays in my life today. My sober life. It made me go back and take a brief examination of how I practice this program. For instance I had to look back at what happened to me when I was out there drinking. All the awful stuff which happened to me. Then I remembered what Dag Hammarskjold prayer of thanksgiving to his Higher Power. For all that has happened, Thanks. A total acceptance of the “good” and the “bad” in his life. Is that true for me?
Then I had to think about what has gone on in this program, since I came in. And what about what’s going on right now. Do I accept? Am I willing to turn things over? To let go and let God? Isn’t that how I am supposed to start my day? To say that Third Step prayer.
To accept and concede. To totally agree with what is presented to me.
When I came into this program I had completely surrendered my drinking alcohol to the God of my understanding. No “ifs” about it. It was a total giving up and letting go. Whatever my Higher Power wanted from me in return for that new freedom and new happiness. No questions. I accepted my release from the compulsion to drink alcohol. I was grateful without any reservations. Never want to forget that.
Then I walked through these doors and that’s when I ran into myself again. I began to argue and attempt to take over how I was going to deal with my sobriety. Thankfully I hit a brick wall in here. Those old timers, who believed in a total deflation of egos, hit me right in the face with it. I was told to shut up. That I knew how to drink, but I didn’t know how to get sober and stay sober. I was going to have to learn how to listen with an open mind and heart in here.
That was a start. Then I was told that I didn’t know that I didn’t know. I only thought I did. Another ego deflation in depth. And, as time went on, I began to appreciate what this all meant. I began to accept this way of life. I surrendered to the Second Step, which opened the door to the rest of this program. I look back and know how grateful I am to my Higher Power and all those who helped me to stay sober.
I know I’m here to live a spiritual way of life, but I know I have stuff within me, which from time to time trips me up. That’s because I’m still human. I’m not a saint. Still imperfect. A long way to go. Time takes time. I will have this disease the rest of my life. There’s no graduation in this. I know I am going to struggle with myself. I know that I have the help of my Higher Power to get through these things and I’m going to have to hope and believe and be grateful for all I have been given.
Anyway I had to stop and think about all of this. To think about my sobriety and my staying sober a day at a time.