After all these years I would think that I should be more spiritual than I am. After all, I tell myself that I have had so many opportunities to practice this program every day during this time.
These spiritual principles I’m supposed to be practicing literally can only be evidenced with those around me. My relationships with others. For me, as I look over time, this has been an up and down experience.
The spiritual life is not a theory. Like the BB says, it has to be lived. How am I doing? If I go on my feelings, not very well. But that’s how I feel. If, like my sponsor told me, I use my head instead of my feelings, it’s probably a different story.
I was trying to think of the last time I was in an argument with someone and can’t find it. Anger has probably popped up pretty regularly, but I have learned to ask for help and to keep my mouth shut. That last item has probably given me more time to resolve situations and to find out where I am often wrong. So, though I may not be aware of it, I might still be standing in the sunlight of the spirit. Doesn’t matter how I feel.
I often go back to the statement that is written in the literature about the Twelfth Step. That it’s not dependent on our state or condition. That’s probably true for everything we do in this program. I always think that what goes on between myself and others is not so much dependent on me as it is my higher power. My condition is in spite of myself.
Yesterday and today I was thinking a lot about the spirituality of this program and my life. I know that I don’t often “feel” spiritual. In fact I hate it, when others seem to speak or give me indications that they think I’m spiritual or something “special”. It’s not only embarrassing, it makes me feel really dumb. Like, am I missing something? It’s like something in the BB about reputations we didn’t earn.
Anyway, as is my usual problem, I had to sit down and write to even think about this today. It’s still about sobriety.