When a friend of mine tells me that this program is not a hot bed of mental health, he reminds me that the two of us are right there in the middle of it.
Not for nothing did those old timers, when they wrote out the 1st Step, put a dash or three dots between the first part and the last. We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol–that our lives had become unmanageable. That’s so we would understand that it wasn’t alcohol alone that made them unmanageable. They probably were that way before we even got to that first drink.
There was a lot I did not understand before I got here. And after I did, I still didn’t know that I didn’t know. I only thought I knew. It took time and effort on my part, under the guidance of my sponsor, those old timers, and a spiritual director to begin to lift the veil so that I could finally begin to see what was wrong. Didn’t happen over night. I had to go through what I had to go through in order to arrive at a point, where it all began to make sense.
One of the things was that I had to get at least a modicum of humility so that I not only could see some of this, but to admit and accept this stuff. An elderly, wise, old monk, who can be seen on you tube, Thomas Keating, said that the world would be a better place if everyone could admit and accept that their lives were unmanageable. He also said that not everyone has to go through the pain and suffering of alcoholism. He just finished saying that, when the man next to him said, “Worked for me”. Cracked me up.
I know one thing today, that the un-manageability is still there. That “not a hot bed of mental health” still thrives. The difference is my higher power. The practice of that 2nd Step every day. The 3rd Step. When I’m in touch with spiritual life in this program, things seem to go well. Serenity, peace of mind, a new happiness and a new freedom, the Promises are in my life. I’ve stopped fighting everyone and everything, including alcohol. Sanity has returned. The spiritual awakening.
Ah, but then, being the alcoholic I am, I can forget so quickly and my ego, me, comes back and takes over. Anger, envy, resentment, and the whole list shows up and takes over. And then, I have to go back, find out how to humble myself once more, turn it back over to my higher power and begin again.
However I can say this: I’m glad, in fact happy, that I became an alcoholic. How else could I have found this way of life and been allowed to participate in this program. Despite my failings, this has been the best thing, which has ever happened to me in my life. In fact, it is my life; sobriety.