Couldn’t help but think about my unmanageable life this morning. Not that it’s anywhere near where it was, when I came in to the program. But just how and where did it start?
After all, my unmanageable life and my drinking alcohol are really two separate events. That my life was unmanageable is divided from my being powerless over alcohol in the First Step. It’s just the fact that I have to surrender to my being powerless over both of these in order to begin my journey into sobriety.
So, I went back to the beginning of my life this morning just to get a quick view. Didn’t take long. I could see the symptoms way back in my childhood. It was clear. Things I did, which carried over into adulthood. I could almost see my thinking and my reactions to the world around me.
Some of this, of course, was taken care of during my applying the Steps to my life. Some of it wasn’t. But those things, which went into my drinking life, must have been removed during the spiritual awakening I experienced. Because the alcoholic thinking is not present. None of it.
However some of the early thinking habits remain. When I look at my exercising some of my defects of character it’s clear. Especially my self centeredness and my tendency to selfishness. Like a friend of mine always says, it used to be all about me, now it’s almost all about me. That’s what my sponsor pointed out to me. That I was insecure, immature, and oversensitive. I was always on the alert to protect myself from everyone in the world.
Much of that is gone today. Thanks to my sponsor and old timers and the people I meet today in this program. Through the grace of my higher power and the people around me I have developed a thick skin. For the most part what people say or do doesn’t bother me. In fact I have learned to laugh at myself. I say “for the most part”, because there are still echoes hanging around at times. Far from perfect, that’s for sure.
Anyway, I know that my unmangeable life played a big part in my active alcoholism. The very fact that I don’t think about a drink or desire one is evidence of how much the unmanageability has been diminished. Moreover the peace of mind and the serenity I enjoy so often in my life tells me this. The fact that I’m a relative happy man, with a real sense of comfort is the only evidence I need to understand about where I stand with the second part of the First Step.
Nothing happens in this program overnight. It has taken time and willingness, plus action. The very fact that a day at a time is so emphasized in this program has played a big part in the removal of some of the once overwhelming crazy life I once led. I am so grateful for my higher power and this program for all of this.