One of the mysteries I think about, living this sober way of life, is where am I going? That thought was certainly put back into my mind clearly, when I began using the prayer that Thomas Merton wrote. “I don’t know where I’m going.” And here was a man living a spiritual life in a monastery. I’m out in the material world trying to live a spiritual life.
When I came into this program, I certainly had no idea where I was going. In fact I didn’t really know where I was. Oh, I mean I had a home, a family, and even a job, due mainly to my boss, who was dedicated to see me sober.
I had no idea how to live. Not just the alcohol, but that unmanageable life of mine made that obvious, as I began to try to live this way of life. But I did begin to live this life and follow the suggestions of my sponsor and those old timers. No matter how imperfectly I was able to get through these 12 Steps and had that spiritual awakening, that restoration to sanity, and the Promises. Life began to take on a form and I began to be at peace and to change. Slowly. The changes I have undergone have been gradual. Not easy, but enough so that I can actually say I’m not the same man, who came through these doors.
But like I was taught and learned in here, I’m trying to live a spiritual life in a material world. It’s a struggle at times. I still have my faults. I’m still human, as well as a recovering alcoholic. And I know it’s the maintenance of my spiritual life, my spiritual condition, which is at the foundation of my staying sober. I don’t always know what that is, but it must be working, because I’m still here and still sober.
All this I know began, when I surrendered, not just to my being and alcoholic, but to the concept of a Higher Power. And eventually the God of my understanding. It’s this that I have come to believe and have faith that He is doing for me what I can’t do for myself. Like I often have said, it all began with hope, when I came into the program.
What brought all of this up today was a conversation with a friend in here. He was struggling with the thought of his work. Kind of “where do I belong?”. I could identify completely, because that was me, when I was out there drinking, and eventually in sobriety. By the time I “retired” I still had questions. And that sometimes wanted to eat away at this spiritual way of life. Fortunately for me I kept going to meetings and talking to the sober men and women in this program. I believe my Higher Power was working through them and they helped keep me on track on this path.
Anyway he reminded me of this thought, which came back to mind. I know I’m not alone, I have talked to others, who no matter how “settled”, would say the same thing.
Wherever this journey is taking me I know that I’m being taken care of. Just another view of mine living this sober way of life. I know that my “job” today is to stay sober and, if I can, to help another alcoholic get sober and stay sober. To practice these principles I have learned in here in all of my affairs. Often a full time job in itself. To go to meetings to share and listen. And do this one day at a time. All this makes me grateful.