After talking with a couple of friends today I had to go back and remind myself that nuttins purfikt. Not me anyway. I can make mistakes at the drop of the hat.
I don’t know what it is that can make me condemn myself for foolish errors in my life. Basically self centered-ness that tells me I should be able to control everything. I think it was Lincoln, who said that a man who has himself as his own lawyer has a fool for a lawyer. That’s me within at times.
But I do have a defender. My Higher Power, who can do for me what I can’t do for myself. I have to remember that and rely on Him, when I stumble and fall flat on my face. Instead of running myself into the ground I need to pick myself up and dust myself off and move ahead. Just like my sponsor told me to do so often in the past. Trust in my Higher Power. He doesn’t need me as judge and jury against me.
I need to remember to think in a sober, rational way and not fall into that trap of negative thinking and a negative attitude. I need to remind myself that I’m still human with all my faults. Still struggling to live a spiritual life in a material world. Why fail so miserably with humility? Where did these high expectations come from. Return to insanity? Hmm. Time for the Second Step again.
Anyway I needed to go back and think about my own experiences with this kind of stuff and how important it is to get over this and back into the program. To remember why I’m here. To stay sober and help another alcoholic. Going to meetings is a good way to stay aware. I get to hear the solutions I need. The voice of my Higher Power through others.