Today we talked about one of our most difficult but common problems for us. Anger. And consequently resentments. An invitation to that next drink, when I’m blinded by them.
My first thought was that whenever I get angry it’s my fault. Someplace along the line, like the book said, I started the ball rolling. Am I willing to go back and find out when and how? And the book also tells me that for us there is no such thing like justifiable anger.
One of the things I spoke about was what I learned in here. The spiritual axiom in the Tenth Step in the 12&12. Whenever I’m disturbed there is something wrong with me. And it always proves out, when I take the time and examine it. And one of the things that popped up, as I sat meditating on this, was that I can really see where resentments play a big part.
Someone might get my goat and I react in anger. I looked back at that and guess what? I found that often the person or their action reminded me of someone else, back whenever I had a resentment before. I just applied it to them and justified my anger. How crazy is that?
One of the things I have to remember about anger and resentment is that they are emotions. And emotions can blind me and I lose my reason. I’m no longer in charge. My anger is. My resentments are. I am in a place where I have no control over my thoughts. No wonder those old timers and my sponsor always insisted that I learn to control my emotions. They had the experience of working this program and maturing into adulthood. Especially emotional maturity. I witnessed it over and over. Impressive. And I wanted to be like them.
My experience has taught me over and over that time takes time. It’s not an overnight journey. I had a lot to learn. How to practice being aware. That didn’t happen the minute I had that thought. I’m still learning, because I’m far from perfection. I tell myself that I am better than I was. But I still look back at the examples I witnessed in those old timers and my sponsor. And they weren’t perfect either. But far far better than I was.
I never want to drink again, so it is incumbent on me to take the responsibility I have to learn to deal with these defects. Especially having faith in my Higher Power and relying on his help. And, of course, the help of my fellow alcoholics in this program. A problem shared is a problem cut in half. I’ve learned that over the years.
Anyway, listening to all those people in the room, sharing their experience, strength, and hope was helpful to me today. If nothing else it brought me back to think about what I need to be aware of. Like I said, it has a lot to do with me staying sober. Glad the subject of taking care of our sobriety came up.