A good question for me is the difference between being selfish and unselfish. That came up in something I read not long ago by another alcoholic. But that’s not the first time. I remember early on in this program when it was talked about by my old sponsor and some of those old timers I knew back then.
They wanted me to know that sobriety was about being helpful, charitable, unselfish toward others. Living the spiritual way of life, practicing these principles in all of our affairs.
One of the things they would mention was our getting sober to save a marriage, a job, and a number of other factors, which drove us to give up alcohol. But there it stopped.
Then I was told that, if I wanted to stay sober, I had to practice a degree of selfishness. I was told and still believe that my staying sober is the most important thing in my life. I have to get rid of thinking that I have to sacrifice my sobriety for some of the very things that drove me in here.
I remember, after I was around a couple of years sober, that my wife wanted me to stop going to meetings. I guess I was shocked that she would ask me this. However I told her that if it came to a choice of me stopping or what she wanted then one of the things that would have to go would be her. I know that didn’t go over well, but it was the truth. I knew and still believe I cannot stay sober by myself. I had witnessed what had happened to others, who had stopped going to meetings. They had eventually gotten drunk again and some of them never got back.
One of the fortunate things I think for me was that I didn’t stop drinking for anything else other than alcohol was killing me. For whatever reason there was no other factor involved in my desperation to stop. So there really was no reason going on where other elements would continue to be in front of my sobriety.
Of course I realized, long after I had been sober, that I was often guilty of sins of omission, as far as family and other things were concerned. I had totally lacked judgment and reason in my early years. I was so involved in staying sober. Looking back I now know I could have used some balance in my life and the needs of those close to me. Hopefully I have tried to make amends. But still I know that desperation to stay sober dominated my thinking.
Why was I thinking about this? Probably some echoes of guilt for my inability to use my logic and reason. Then there was my crazy mind in those early years. Took time to arrive at some sanity. And my inability to be open to ask questions I needed to ask. I now realize there would have been wise options from my sponsor and others.
However I still think that I must always put my sobriety first and foremost. Like I said, I have seen the results of others putting some other detail in their lives before our primary purpose. It’s sad I know and often tough to face the hard realities others have been faced with. But I often think, if some had asked the questions I should have asked and didn’t, understanding would always be available.
Moreover I have found that my reliance on my Higher Power has grown over the years and made all the difference. The practice of the spiritual way of life is primary. The answers have come, when I needed them. Like what should I do? Turning to others and my Higher Power has always brought the answers in a way that continues to amaze me.
If I will but have faith in my Higher Power and the program and those around me the right results will always be there. Maybe not always the way I would have chosen. Still I have learned to have gratitude, because I have always been given what I have needed.
One of the elements in practicing this program is to continue to have hope that I will find a way to continue to live this way of life. Experience has shown me that my problems are solved by spiritual answers to them.
Again it’s about sobriety.