Control. Manipulation. Two good words for someone like me. I hear them often at meetings and in conversations with friends. One of my friends often tells how his sponsor would tell him to get out of the driver’s seat and move to the back of the bus and enjoy the ride.
An earlier conversation brought up the word “manipulation”. And the intention was to control. Something I can well remember. When I’m in charge, driving the bus, in control, I’m headed for an accident. Not for nothing does the First Step point out the state of my life, when I came here. Unmanageable. Why I needed that Second Step to remind me that lack of power was my problem. I needed to get a Higher Power and get on a spiritual path, if I wanted to get sober and live a sober life. Get out of the driver’s seat. Too much ego. The bondage of self.
Most people I talk to will often bring up a problem where it started with them being in control. Like I said, I’m familiar with this kind of insane thinking. And I know the problems and the frustrations this can bring into my life.
God’s will for me isn’t even the picture, when I’m like that. And the solution is something everyone here is familiar with. But not always eager to do. Surrender and acceptance. To turn my life and will over to my Higher Power. To go to the back of the bus and enjoy the ride and the scenery. To work the Steps.
And manipulation? What a subtle word. Almost like I’m not doing anything. Just a few words to get someone to do something I want them to do. The worst part is that it’s just another part of my over inflated ego.
If I’m aware, I can sidestep this stuff and ask for help from my Higher Power. Go to a meeting and get right sized again. Get things back into perspective. And even talk to someone. And then listen to what they have to say.
When I think about control and all it includes I have to step back and think again of why I’m here. I’m here because I never want to drink again. It was this kind of stuff my alcoholic life was filled with out there. I don’t need to be dragging that kind of thinking and living into where I am today. But that doesn’t mean I won’t. Still have my faults and know that I’m subject to committing errors. I just have to try to stay in the now. And do the next right thing. That simple, if I will do it.
Anyway I was happy that I had the time to stop and think about all of this. That’s because it brings me back to think of what I’m doing here. Staying sober.