One warning I know I need to pay attention to is this: Don’t lie to me! I’m not talking about other people laying an untruth on me. I’m talking about myself lying to me. Do I do that? Of course. It has been a way of life and thinking over the years, long before I even picked up a drink. Guess what? Every now and then I spot it and hopefully pick it up before it does some damage.
Someone mentioned the Sixth and Seventh Steps today. It’s in there. It was in the Fourth and Fifth. It was a roadblock in the Eighth and Ninth. Sometimes I can find myself lying to the God of my understanding. It starts with me lying to me and then carrying it over to my Higher Power. Not a good thing. Need to pay attention.
Of course that’s where it all begins, with me not paying attention. Another defect, which sometimes can control my thoughts and actions. I could spend the rest of my life trying to figure out why I do this kind of thing, but it’s enough to know that I do.
One of the things I have learned in here by working this program and listening to others was to learn how to become myself. I had to learn just who I was. I don’t think I even had a clue, when I came through these doors. I could look in my mirror and really ask, “who the hell am I?” All I knew was that I was a drunk. And alcoholic as I was to learn. A victim of an incurable disease. Someone who had to learn how to change and grow up.
The reason all this came up today is that I was talking to another alcoholic and it somehow slipped into the conversation. Glad it did. Need to think about it and to remember that it’s something I need to pay attention to, as time goes on.
But then I guess it really came up earlier, when I was talking to a new person. As I was telling them my story, I was focused on their eyes. And I wondered was I looking at someone, who was seeking the truth? Or were they lying? Truth is I couldn’t tell, except they never took their eyes off of mine. Interesting. I think that made me bring up the question.
I just had to laugh at myself. Imagine what I must have been like in those first days in this program. How much truth was I capable of? Looking back I have no idea. But based on my past probably not much. The truth was that I had been given a gift, even when I had no idea of truth. The alcohol had been removed. A spiritual awakening I was told. A miracle after all those years.
I’m sitting here thinking about that and can only come up with a blank. What I do remember about those early days is that I was as convinced back then as I am today that I never want to drink again. Now that was the truth. Maybe the beginning of truth in my life. Whatever it is I know that want to stay sober and am willing to go to any lengths to do so.
My sponsor always said that I was not responsible for my being here. But I was responsible for staying here. I have no doubts about that. I know that I need to do my part in all of this. The rest is up to my Higher Power. I am grateful for that and hope I always will be. To not just my Higher Power but my old sponsor and all those old timers, and the rest of those I have met through this program. Thanks. That I know is the truth.