Today, as we talked to a well educated man coming back, several thoughts struck me, along with the other subject, resentments. The one thought for sure was just how full of self I was, when I came in. I never wanted anyone’s help or advice. It was pride vs. humility.
That was the same with resentments. I was ready to tell anyone I knew what I was doing and didn’t need anyone’s help. How crazy was that? I mean here I was just fresh out of years in barrooms and I had convinced myself I knew better than anyone. I was faced with people with years of sobriety and was rejecting their thoughts in favor of my own.
I know that a couple of things brought the word “humility” into the picture. A virtue I knew nothing about, but one which could change my whole life, if I could learn to back off and surrender. The first was a couple examples, which startled me. Two friends, the first my first sponsor, and another man I had come to know. Both went back out and drank on resentments and died shortly after. That made me stop and back off.
Fortunately for me I knew that I never wanted to drink again, but there were no guarantees. Despite my pride I knew this and the pain of fear was beginning to creep in, especially after those two examples. And about that time I was confronted with my stupid thinking. I learned that I was over educated and didn’t know what I was talking about and needed to grow up and begin to listen to those who did.
I could see myself in those two people today. It was one of those “been there, done that” thoughts. But then the thought that it was back then that I first began to get a taste of humility. It started with humiliation. I needed that, even though it threw me for a loop and almost knocked me over. Somehow, I think my Higher Power’s grace, put the thought into me that it was good for me. I still recognize that today.
It took a long time to pare down my ego and get it to a manageable point. But I had to begin somewhere. I had to learn that I could be wrong and it took a couple of shocks and some pretty tough confrontations to get me to pay attention and begin to change. Ego deflation in depth as Dr. Harry Tiebout encouraged the alcoholic to do at the beginning. That’s what it took for me.
I look back and admire some of those old timers, who didn’t back down and were willing to confront me. Especially my old second sponsor. I can still hear him. I told that to someone today and had to laugh. But there were others, who recognized my junk and were willing to tell me straight out. I owe them all a lot of gratitude. They were the ones who tore the walls down I had built to protect myself from others. They opened the doors to this spiritual way of life and my sobriety.