The question of “complete” surrender came up today. Interesting. And then the last part of the Twelfth Tradition: principles over personalities. I know I saw a demonstration of people wanting to listen and learn. Quite of few passes. And then those who did speak had a lot of different thoughts on this.
I know I paid attention to everyone who spoke. My own thoughts were pretty simple in the beginning. The first I think was pretty much what I think most thought. For me there was no such thing as “complete” surrender. I pretty much based that on the First Step. It’s the only one I know which I was told could be done one hundred percent. Total surrender to our being powerless over alcohol.
To me there has been no question of how that has worked in my sober life. I know that I told my Higher Power that if he would stop me from drinking and living the life I was living, I would do anything he asked me to. And it worked. I never ever wanted to drink again. And the unmanageable life I was living was never a question for me. As far as I was concerned I totally surrendered and accepted what that First Step stated. I came in and was done with what I found in that Step.
Then, when the rest of the program was presented to me, the role of living a spiritual life and practicing the rest of the Twelve Steps, I balked. All I wanted to do was not drink again. The rest of it I had decided I wasn’t going to do. That’s when my old sponsor and others pushed me to look at the consequences I faced, if I failed to follow a spiritual path, as presented in here. I would go back out and drink again and die an alcoholic death. Did I want to do that?
The answer was obvious. I decided to surrender and come to believe in a Higher Power. The Second Step. Surrender and acceptance was not all that instantaneous. It took time. Then I was faced with the Third and the rest of them. Each and everyone took time, because I was confusing myself with my self centered ego. I, like a lot of others I heard, didn’t want to surrender. I still wanted to be in control of what I was doing. So surrender was going to be a very slow process. For me time took time.
Now that I look back at all of this stuff I went through I have come to realize how really sick I was when I came into this program. I can see where the truth in the statement someone made that we have to suffer in order to get well. That’s what I had to go through. There were times I can remember when things were really difficult. And that’s where my sponsor and those old timers were able to reach out and help me to stay on track, when I would find myself wandering off.
I can also see that there is a lot of stuff that is still around. Nothing really all that bad, but certainly proof that my surrender was not all that complete. Maybe in theory but hardly in practice. I especially can see that in my putting the spiritual life into practice. However that does not mean that I have given up on any of this. I keep looking at this as a program of a day at a time. That’s all any of us have. Just today. And for today I will try to do the best I can. Hardly perfect or, as was said, “complete”. It is just what it is. Like I said, the First is the only one I think that I was able to do completely.
I guess that whenever I have ever thought about this idea of “perfection” I can always see what was in the way. Me. Me, myself, and I. My self centered nature. My over grown ego.
What Dr. Harry Tiebout said was necessary for people like me, the chronic alcoholic, was ego deflation in depth. And what my sponsor and a lot of those old timers did to help me was to puncture that huge balloon and deflate it. My ego. It’s still there, but not as swelled up as it once was. Nevertheless, when I forget and am not paying attention, it can still come back and get in the way.
And that brings me to principles over personalities. Two things jumped right out at me. The first was the danger of resentments. Like I’ve always experienced though others, the return to drinking and alcoholic deaths. And the second is the spiritual axiom in the Tenth Step. Whenever we’re disturbed there’s something wrong with us. In other words, if I’m having trouble with someones personality, it’s me. My problem and not theirs. It’s up to me to learn to deal with it. In other words the Serenity Prayer. Another way of saying it is that I have to learn how to surrender and accept my being powerless.
When it comes to things like this, I have to remember what I have learned in here. I had to (have to) become willing to change my attitude from negative to positive. However none of this is possible for me without the help of my Higher Power. And this is where this spiritual way of life has to become the basis of my life in sobriety. The truth is that it is the whole program. It’s not a theory. We, I, have to live it.
And, of course, I have to learn how to get out of my own way, once again. To practice the Second, Third, and the Eleventh Steps. And, of course, whatever else is needed. And to become grateful for all I have been given. I am sober today because of my Higher Power and everyone I have ever met in this program.