Last night before I went to sleep I read an article by Bill W. on love. Interesting. I couldn’t have agreed more with what he said. The need for alcoholics to grow up emotionally.
I know that I have experienced pretty much what he said. That’s because my sponsor and those old timers I knew back then were pretty outspoken about the problems we have with our emotions. They emphasized this to everyone, who came into the program then. They would often say out loud in meetings that it was the “I” over the “E”. Intellect over the emotions. To think with my head and not my heart, as my sponsor often said to me.
In fact Bill had written another article on the need for us to mature emotionally. In other words to grow up. Not an easy task for someone like me, when I came to realize how driven I was by my emotions. The need to control anger, resentments, fear, worry, anxiety, and so many more. It was going to take time and effort to come first to an understanding of what this all meant.
One of the things he talks about is emotional sobriety. The other was emotional dependency. Pretty much describes the control emotions had over someone like me. One of the things he talked about was how we might react to those we work with. If someone rejected me, how would I react? If I was sponsoring someone and they walked away and got a new sponsor, again how would I react? Anger, disappointment? Or an open heart? Letting go and moving on?
Of course he goes to the Prayer of St. Francis. It’s better to love than to be loved. Not an easy commitment. Takes an open heart and an open mind. Surrender and acceptance. And the practice of discipline. Again, not easy. Another proof that time takes time. Learning to forget oneself. Especially in how we relate to each other. Learning to forgive and forget.
We were talking about humility today at the meeting and that definitely comes into the picture. The other subject was acceptance. This last one always came, especially in the early time in here, from pain and surrender. And the other I learned began with the first word in the First Step. “We”. A beginning anyway. Instead of “me”.
Of course I have to go back and think about the spiritual way of life we’re supposed to be practicing in here. How to live dependent on a Power greater than myself. To have the hope and the faith that I need to put this into action in my life. To do what the book asks of us. To learn to let go and let the God of our understanding do for us what we cannot do for ourselves. Meaning that I definitely have to begin to develop the humility needed to do that. To give up the controls over everything I have no control over. Which in my life means almost everything. Learning how to give up disappointments.
Not saying that I’m anywhere near perfect in all of this. But I know that I have, through the help of spiritual writers, my old sponsor, my close friends in here, those old timers, and many others in this program, I have made some progress in regards to my dependency on emotions. And of course my Higher Power, whom I have to turn these things over to.
Just thinking about all of this and staying sober one more day.