Tonight, after making a mistake, I thought about what is called the “acid test”. Can I stay sober, keep in emotional balance, and live to good purpose under all conditions? Most of the time I am able. I can stay sober, but the emotional balance and living to good purpose can be a sometime thing which can become difficult, if I, for instance, let my emotions take over.
I had to go back to the spiritual axiom in the Tenth Step in the 12&12, as is the citation above. And that axiom is so difficult to live up to some of the time. That whenever we’re disturbed there is something wrong with us. In this case I know I reacted in anger, when I should have been practicing tolerance. But I found that difficult and spoke out, when it would have been better to keep my mouth shut.
The remarks made to me set my anger off and it came out in a sarcastic way. I regretted it almost immediately but it was too late. After a short period I stopped and took a step back from myself and decided to do the right thing, at least for me.
One of the things in the Prayer of St. Francis is something I know was promoted to me by my sponsor and others. The idea that it is by forgiving others we ourselves are forgiven. Not always an easy thing to do. I’ve had to learn in here that if I want to stay sober I have to learn to deal with my anger. No matter how much I might feel justified, the truth is I am not. That’s something I was told I cannot afford to hang onto. It could cost me my sobriety in time. And for sure I don’t want to go there.
And, of course, I cannot afford to try to handle this on my own. And here is where I need the help of my Higher Power. The truth is that in all these situations I find myself powerless. I know that I need, like at this moment, to step aside begin to once again practice the Second Step, the Third, and the Eleventh. In truth I need ego deflation in depth.
I need to pause and accept the fact I was wrong. Doesn’t matter what the other person said or did. If I am honest with myself, it’s really none of my business. I don’t have the power to deal with that. I have to only face myself and deal with my emotional reaction, which I know was not rational. And, as I think about that, I have begun to experience the beginning of remorse. And at the same time I definitely have to remember that I am still human and still am open to difficulties.
As I sit here thinking about all of this, I knew the right thing was to do what I did. To stop and go back and review the Tenth Step again. To pray and ask for the help I needed. To arrive at a moment of calm. To do what my sponsor told me to do. To think with my head and not my heart. In other words to ask my Higher Power to help me to put my emotions aside and review the truth within me. And to remember what it says in the Ninth Step. That the spiritual life is not a theory. We have to live it. And that’s what I’m attempting to do now.
Regardless of all of this I have to stop and think about where I am today. I’m in this program, which brought me into sobriety. It introduced me to my Higher Power and all these good people, who helped me to begin to change my life. And that I know makes me so grateful for all that I have been given.