Someone today brought up something which everyone I ever knew, who was fairly new in sobriety, went through. I know I did. Problems. Answers and no answers.
I couldn’t help but feel a sense of compassion on one hand and humor within me. I knew what the answer to all of this was and it made me chuckle. That’s because I had to look back and see what it was like and what it’s like now. Having gone through all of this over time. And the answer is…that time takes time. And we have to learn to apply these Steps to our lives often without knowing what’s next.
I know I had to finally realize that I desperately had to come to realize that no matter what I would always be right where I was at the moment. The hardest thing was for me was to stay in the moment without going off down the road either forward or backward. Life is always now no matter what I’m tempted to think. I think it was Bill W. who said something about waking up in the morning and my mind being at 6 pm at that moment. Or maybe two days from now.
I think my problem was that I didn’t like how I felt at the moment, so I wanted to escape and I would go days or weeks ahead. And all that would do would bring on more anxiety, fear, worry, and sometimes anger. What I was failing to learn was how to stop my feelings from taking over my life. And that was something I could not do alone, because I found out that I had always been that way.
And that was exactly where the introduction to the spiritual way of life, the Second Step, came in. I had to learn how to develop hope and hold onto it. I had to learn to come to believe in a Higher Power and ask for the help I needed. I had to learn to turn whatever I was going through over to the God of my understanding, the Third Step. And I also had to learn how to share with my sponsor and others and ask for the help I needed at the time.
None of this, including applying these Steps to my life, was ever going to be an over night event. I saw how difficult it was for others. And the longer I have been in here, working with others, I have seen what they are experiencing. But that was me too. It took a long long time for me to begin to learn how not to let my emotions take over my life. My thinking and my reactions. And that stuff is liable to pop up today. Not as bad as it once was. But it’s certainly no surprise to me when it does.
I know how much emphasis is put on growing along spiritual lines. However, in my experience, I find myself often seeming to lack growth. I know that’s not true, but that’s how it seems at times. The very fact that I’m still here, sober and happy for the most part, tells me that I’m not always aware of what is really going on. It’s part of being human and not a saint. I always think about what that monk, Thomas Merton, once said in his prayer. Nor do I know who I am, and the fact that I think I’m doing your will does not mean that I am. That sure describes me. And I knew from his life and reading his words what a really spiritual man he was. Spiritually dedicated. I’m far from where he was, but that doesn’t mean that I should quit. I’ll keep on keeping on, as my sponsor told me to do.
Over time I have learned that this is just a day at a time. I come to meetings regularly to be reminded of this. I come to these meetings to witness what I need to. Others like myself, staying sober and doing what is necessary to stay sober. Working this program as it is laid out for us. I always love the way the language of the Steps read. The past tense. This is what those men, who wrote them, did. And they laid them out that way so that we could see how it worked for them and how it can work for us, if we will just do them.
Anyway I had to stop this evening and think about all of this. Learning to do what our predecessors did. To practice these principles in all of our affairs. Successful? Most of the time, but never perfect. I know from my sponsor and others that I need to keep on trying. I’m never to quit. Perseverance is one word I need to remember. And if I do I know from my experience in this program that I can stay sober a day at a time. What a wonderful gift to a hopeless drunk that I was back then. I found a new freedom and a new happiness. That peace and that serenity often comes back into my life. Grateful for all that has been given to me.