Had talks with a couple of people today which reminded me of me. And it was all about the spiritual axiom in the Tenth Step. Whenever we’re disturbed there is something wrong with us.
How simple and easy it is to blame others for what’s wrong with me. Someone says something to me and I can take it the wrong way. It may not even have anything to do with what makes me feel bad about whatever it is. Then I get into a stew over it. And eventually, if I don’t check it out with someone I can end up in anger and resentment. Cut off from the sunlight of the spirit.
When I stop and think about it, this is why I started the Second Step and entered into the spiritual way of life in here. To learn how to turn these things over to my Higher Power. To learn how to pray and ask for help. To begin to practice meditation and learn to get honest with myself and stop pushing things off on others. To begin to learn to take responsibility for myself.
I always remember how I felt guilty for something and then became angry and resentful for something not even related to what I had done. Fortunately I became aware of what I was doing and was able to back off and practice the Tenth Step. Made me grateful for the Second and the Tenth. And, of course, the Eleventh.
However I have to go back to the second part of the First Step. When I surrendered to my being powerless over alcohol, I also surrendered to my life being unmanageable. And this is the source of this kind of stuff I have gone through in here, whenever I’m disturbed. It’s nothing new in my life. It’s just that I have to learn to take responsibility for stuff which I ignored or blamed others for in the past. And here I am doing it again in here.
Once again, if I’m trying to live and practice this spiritual life in here, I’m going to have to take a look at the source of what stirs this kind of stuff up within me. And this brings the negative emotions within me to the surface. And then I have to ask myself what am I going to do about them. Because, if I continue to blame and do nothing about them, I’m gambling with my life with alcohol. They could lead me back to a drink again. And that’s exactly what I don’t want. I want to stay sober and never ever drink again.
The answer for me, I have learned, is spiritual. There has been much I learned from my sponsor and the old timers in here. Much has also been written about this by doctors and spiritual people. I always remember this one spiritual writer, who said that we need to put sentries around our minds to prevent our emotions from entering into our minds and taking over. He said there was nothing more damaging to us than our emotions. Much the same thing was said by my sponsor, when he told me to think with my head and not my heart. And even Bill wrote about this in the 12&12.
Yet without depending on the help of my Higher Power and thinking I can do this myself is just not sane. I need to get honest with me and practice what I have learned in here. To go to that Third Step and the Sixth and Seventh and turn these things over. To get my ego out of the way and practice at least a minimum of humility.
Anyway after our sharing I needed to stop and sit down and think what this is all about. And once again it’s about why I am here. I’m here to stay sober and need to do whatever it is I have to in order to maintain my sobriety. And that reminds me of who is responsible for my being here and being sober. The God of my understanding. Not me. And to remember I need others to help me to stay sober. And that’s exactly what those who shared with me were doing.
Today at the meeting one of the subjects was gratitude. The other was the Third Step. Perfect for me and my thoughts. I have to remember to practice gratitude. To thank my Higher Power and others and to practice these spiritual principles in all of my affairs.