One of the things I think I will never forget was how it was for me when I began this program. Nothing specific, but a whole lot in general. How I felt, what I thought I knew back then and what I really didn’t know. Like my sponsor told me the truth at last. That I really didn’t know. I only thought I did. And finally finding a spiritual way of life. Being able to turn my life around. That was something of what being a beginner was for me.
I read something the other night which struck a chord with me. A man had written a book about beginning to pray. In it he states that he is a beginner and wanted to do what he could to help other beginners. Just witnessing who and what he was it really didn’t surprise me that he sees himself the way he stated. He’s a lifetime monk, who knows about prayer. But a beginner?
Made me step back and think about myself. I’ve been in this program a long time. And I often think the same way this old monk did. I had to think about this for a while. The truth is that each day I wake up I’m back at the beginning. I have to collect my thoughts, after I have started the day with with a repetitious prayer. The Third Step prayer to recommit myself to this way of life and what I’m doing. I’m here to commit my life to stay sober each and every day.
And, when I’m truthful with myself, I can easily recognize there is always quite a bit I have forgotten that I need to remember. But as long as I remember why I came here in the first place I have no trouble in recognizing what it is I need to do. To pray and ask my Higher Power to help me to stay away from a drink this day. And whenever possible to get myself to a meeting where I know I can often receive the help I need from others like myself. Not only that I know, as part of that group, I can join in on the Fifth Tradition, carrying the AA message to the alcoholic who suffers.
I know I’m not alone in this thought about finding myself feeling and thinking of myself as a “new” person, a beginner all over again. I have talked to others with as much sobriety as myself and we have even been able to laugh at ourselves. I know that always brings up what my sponsors and other old timers helped me to realize. It doesn’t matter how long I live and stay sober in this program. I will always have a lot to learn and remember. How often I have opened our literature and found things I had not only forgotten, but for some reason had no memory of in the first place.
I certainly can identify with what the author of that book on prayer said. “I’m a beginner myself.” Doesn’t mean that I don’t actually know, but, no matter how long I have been doing something like this, it doesn’t mean that each day I’m not at the beginning once again. And when it comes to prayer I definitely know that I always feel like a beginner. I know that I need all the help I can get.
This program and the people in it have helped me to realize that each and everyday, no matter what has gone on before, gives me a fresh start when I wake up. I have no idea of what lies ahead of me. I can guess from what I learned the previous days, but that doesn’t mean that there won’t be changes in directions or whatever. That’s why I need to remember the best I can what I have learned before which can help me to stay sober. To have the hope and the faith I need in my Higher Power. To begin each and everyday with a positive attitude. To hopefully begin by controlling my emotions.Taking the time to pray and meditate. To practice these spiritual principles in all of my affairs.
There’s a lot more, but this enough for now. It once again brings up gratitude within me for all the help I have been given by my Higher Power and everyone in here. I need to say thanks.