Today I was talking to an old friend, who brought up a subject I pray about, but really don’t spend much time thinking about. It’s not that it’s not there, but I guess I tend to treat it too lightly.
When I say the Third Step prayer daily, it’s all right there in front of me. Relieve me of the bondage of self and take away my difficulties.
What our conversation reminded me of was love of self. Not self involvement, but love with humility. I’m not talking about sanctity. I’m thinking about balance in my life. Caring for myself and not deriding myself for all my faults, my failures, or thoughts that I’m not worth it. That I’m a failure in my caring and relationships.
To me this is not about psychology. Not that it cannot help, but more a dependence on the power of my higher power to aid in changing my perspective. Too much dependency on the thoughts of others, their actions, which affect my view of myself. Their hostility or indifference and my trying to please them so they will change. Those things, which can lead to feeling sorry for myself or resentful toward them. A tug of war, which leads to self condemnation.
One of the things my old sponsor would say to me was to think with my head and not my heart. Not to let my emotions control me and my thinking. To be able to step out of the way of my emotions or push them aside in order to think clearly and rationally. To me that’s when I need to pray and ask for help from my higher power. Like I said, psychology might be of help, but I still need help from others like me and the God of my understanding.
How else can I practice these principles in all of my affairs? The words in the Eleventh Step, seeking only knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out. Difficult to do, if I’m in the way.
Bill W. tells us that such thoughts, as I was thinking of, are the opposite side of that coin, which is pride on one side, and despair and self pity on the other. Not the exact words, but the thought. Meaning that they’re the same thing. Ego inflation.
Having balance, good judgment, as I go through the day. Experiencing hope and faith, then love, love in perspective, of myself and others. It’s one thing to be sober in the sense of not drinking, and it’s another to be living a sober life. The words from Al Anon can definitely help, when it comes to these troubling relationships; to detach with love.
Anyway, just thinking about that; being sober and living a sober life.