Couldn’t close the thoughts about loving myself without some final words on it. Mainly, after doing what I had to do to arrive at a point of comfort with myself, what is it that allows me to continue to care a day at a time?
There’s no doubt that those first nine Steps had an enormous impact on who and what I had been and changed me over to who and what I am now. The spiritual awakening talked about in the BB. Now the difference is the maintenance of my sobriety and that’s dependent on the maintenance of my spiritual condition.
I still have to practice these spiritual principles in all of my affairs. That’s a start. But there’s something more. I’m always prone to stumble and bumble and trip over my self centered nature. I was always told to learn to pick myself up and dust myself off. The Tenth Step. And, if I have to, which I often do, go back to the preceding Steps.
And then what? To learn how to pray and meditate and seek the will of my higher power. To continue to read the BB and 12&12 and related AA literature. To go to meetings and listen to the experience, strength, and hope there. To be reminded of what it is I need to do to stay sober and live a happy and useful life.
Finally to return that love to others. To give freely of myself. I learned that from the example of my sponsor and all those old timers, who took me with them on all those Twelfth Step calls back then. I still am open to do that today. It comes from the gratitude I have for what this program and the people in it have given to me. How can I ever forget it? It’s the best thing that ever happened in my life. In fact, it saved my life.
When I think of the spiritual awakening(s), I remember what the BB said about us. That we were reborn. Alcohol had driven me down to the point of death. I came in and learned how to change my life and my personality enough to realize that I’m not the same person, who came through these doors. In a sense, I somehow died to myself, and came back to life. That’s pretty much what the Prayer of St. Francis says in the Eleventh Step in the 12&12. It is in giving that we receive, forgiving that we are forgiven, and dying to be reborn. I’m giving myself license in the interpretation of his prayer.
Anyway, I couldn’t close out those thoughts I had on learning to love oneself without ending it with saying something about the last three Steps. All of which is a reminder to me that this is an action program. As I understand it, gratitude is an action word. I don’t have to feel it, I just have to do it one day at a time. And that’s what I’m doing now.