Once again, reading from Bill W.’s Language of the Heart, I ran across his article on emotional sobriety. It had a lot of really substantive information and help in it. At least for me.
One of the things he kept emphasizing was that in general we alcoholics often still have a certain amount of immaturity within us, because of our unconscious emotions surfacing and taking over our rationality. Our “Mr. Hyde”, he said.
The solution was to look at our dependencies, mainly on people. Others in our lives. The need to have others notice or praise us. To have others make us feel good, for instance.
Can I help someone else without the need for them to “owe” me? I remember my old sponsor, when he was talking to someone else, turn to me and tell me that he had others he sponsored and didn’t have time at that moment to talk to me. I was crushed. Emotionally immature.
Yes, he was the one, who always told me to think with my head and not my heart. I remember I recovered from his rebuff. I came to the conclusion he was right. Not that it happened all at once, but I owed him much and knew I had to back off from my demands on him. At one point he asked me over and told me that he had been willing to help with one of my sponsees, but now was the time I had to take the whole responsibility of this man. He said that he felt I was ready. Then he told me I was to go to the man and tell him the truth. He was drinking on the side. I knew that, but had been unwilling to do anything about it, since I had my sponsor to back me. Now I didn’t. So, I followed directions and did.
The point of all this is that, when I went to that man, he became angry and told me to get out. The question was could I accept that and not get emotionally upset? After all I had put in a lot of time trying to help him. The answer was it turned out that I was okay with that. Like it had been pointed out to me there were others out there, who needed help just as this man did. I couldn’t help him now, but I could others, if I was willing.
What my sponsor said about my head and my heart came into play. I know that today. I wasn’t dependent on one person. In fact, I had learned this earlier from all those Twelfth Steps I had been exposed to. Many back then rejected what we had to offer. Rejection was nothing new. I guess I had learned enough of that.
I used this as an example for myself. I knew what Bill was saying. But I also knew what those old timers kept telling me. To keep the “I” over the “E”. The intellect over the emotions. None of this came all at once. It took time and some painful experiences to teach me what I needed to learn.
For the most part I have learned what this program provided to me. That I have mostly peace and serenity, a new freedom and a new happiness. Many of my fears have melted and a new sense of courage. A faith that works. Faith in my higher power and faith that, when I need it, that others like myself will be there to help me. They always have.
I can still have my moments. Nothing is perfect. Certainly not me. But for the most part I find that, if I concentrate on my primary purpose, to stay sober and help another alcoholic, or others in general, I am able to put some of these emotional storms off of me.
Plus, if I try to put the spiritual principles into action, I receive what I need. Prayers and striving for a conscious contact with the God of my understanding.
What I’m thinking about is sobriety. Staying sober.