I was thinking of how many times, when I was out there drinking, that someone told me that what I was doing was unacceptable. A lot. And then I come into this program, stop drinking, and then have to begin to learn just what is acceptable.
I think I knew the right thing to do, but I had lost all contact within myself of how to do it. It became a learning process. Learning to know how to do what I should have known all along.
The first thing I had to do was to learn how to accept. To accept things, which before I thought were unacceptable. For instance my alcoholism. Up to the point I hit my bottom, it was hard for me to think of myself as a drunk out of control. I mean I knew it, but couldn’t accept that. And, guess what? It was pain that got me to accept and surrender to that First Step.
I thought about that today, as we talked about the concept of acceptance. Having to accept what we find hard to accept. But there it was for me. Often I have to go through enough pain before I accept. It has gotten much easier over the years. I accept more readily today than I did before. For one thing, I am not eager to go through too much pain any more.
Pain, we can find in the Tenth Step in the 12&12, is the touchstone of all spiritual growth. I know that’s what I found out over time in here. After each bout with some kind of pain and discomfort, after I have accepted what I resisted, I find that I probably have had another spiritual awakening.
Pain I have found is a blessing. It has brought me this far. I’m not thinking about constant pain, but those moments, when they come up, that I resist change. And change is what this program is all about. Not just back at the beginning, or even a few years into this program. Change is something that I always need to be aware of in staying sober. There’s always something I find I’m hanging on to of which I have to let go. And then learn from that what I have to accept. I know it will be that way always, if I really mean that I want to stay sober. And I do.
That brings me to the need I have in my life for my higher power. I always find that I need help desperately in this whole process. I owe my sobriety to my higher power. My higher power gave me my sobriety. It’s not mine, but his. I am so grateful I found this program and the Second Step, which introduced me to my higher power. I found hope in that Step and that hope led me to faith in a higher power and the possibility I could achieve some sanity. And I have. I’ve stopped fighting everyone and everything, including alcohol.