How important an open mind is to me today. I was not only thinking about this today, but talking it over with an old friend. I can remember my sponsor talking to me about this and me saying “I can’t”. And him responding with “You mean you won’t!”. Wow! That put me back on my heels in a flash.
At that time I was just what he said I was. Immature, insecure, and oversensitive. Something I think all of us, who come here, drag through the doors with us. What he was saying was that, if I was to get this program, I had to somehow pry that closed mind of mine open. What I thought I knew, I didn’t. I only thought I did. Hmm.
Anyway, his insistence that I read that 4th Chapter in the BB was what began to begin to open my mind, at least a crack. That’s when I came to believe that a higher power could do for me what I couldn’t do for myself. To listen and follow suggestions, or as it was back then, directions. They might have started out as suggestions, but with someone like me they had to do what my sponsor said he had to do. To slap me up by the side of my head with a two by four just to get my attention! Thank my higher power that he did. It saved my life many times.
One of the things he taught me was to learn to act as if. I still remember him not only saying that, but “suggesting” what it was that I was supposed to do. The first was act as if I was sober. A good beginning for someone, who had no idea what he was doing.
As my friend and I were talking today, we spoke of these things. The idea that, when I say I can’t, I really mean I won’t. Like a little child throwing a temper tantrum. And, of course, the many times I have to remind myself to act as if. Act as if everything is ok. And when I do, guess what? It becomes true.
How many times I’ve had to go into situations I really hate with people, who annoy me. In other words, like being with myself. They’re me all over. I say to myself, “Act as if”. I make myself smile and what happens is that I find myself to my surprise, having a pleasant time. Over and over, when I take the time to remind myself to do this, my life not only improves, but more importantly I find myself practicing these principles in all of my affairs.
None of this happened overnight. It took time and effort. It took getting an open mind and listening to my sponsor and old timers. It took, not just reading the BB, but studying it and other AA literature. Especially the 12&12. It took stumbling and making mistakes. Having to make amends. I always wondered why those old timers didn’t throw me out the second story window.
All of this as a result of the spiritual awakening(s). Working this program and putting it into action a day at a time. Part of the change that came to me because of this program. How could I not be grateful for what I have been given.
A couple of old friends reminded me today of things I experienced in the past in this program. They not only surprised me, but they filled me with gratitude. Almost breathtaking. I could only thank them from the bottom of my heart. Just think, all of this is part of living a sober life today. All I can say is how wonderful it is!