Every time I read that line in the BB about the how and the why of it…we had to stop playing God. It often makes me smile or chuckle. I really never thought of myself that way. Yet I have no doubt that was what was going on, when I came here.
I know I really had no idea what was going on in my life. I had just stopped drinking for the first time in years. And yet, when I look on that page in How It Works, I begin to get the idea of what this is all about. That one word alone, selfishness, followed by my self- centered thinking explains it. I hated to have to admit that, but there it is. That’s what I suffered from when I came into these rooms. Throw in self pity. Or just put SELF in capital letters.
And like the book said, none of this worked. But I had no idea, as I said, because I was all wrapped up in me. In fact I had an infantile idea about life. I had never really grown up. Even though I was married and had three children and was supposed to be an adult, I never was. I even remember how that marriage came about. I became aware that a lot of those I was drinking with would leave me in the bar and go home, telling me they had wives and children. The thought hit me along the line that maybe that’s what I needed to grow up. I did and became more immature.
It was all about me. And that’s when my sponsor stepped in and told me I needed to begin to live a spiritual life. How grateful I am for him, because it introduced me to the Second Step and my Higher Power. It gave me hope. More hope, because the hope I had gotten that I could stop drinking and get help began all of this. Now I was being introduced to the God of my understanding who had the power to begin to help me to change my whole life. And I could begin the process to what I didn’t understand. To stop playing God.
And, as I found out from my experiences in here, that this is what the Twelve Steps are all about. Over time I know that my whole life has changed from what it was before I got here. Today, at the meeting I listened to people, who talked about what it had cost them to force them to get sober. The losses in their lives. My losses. And how all this forced them to turn everything around. And that’s exactly what they were all talking about was their having to turn their whole lives over to a Higher Power. That they were powerless over almost everything and needed all the help they could get. That describes me perfectly.
Surrender I don’t think was in my vocabulary until I recognized what I had done to stop drinking. The First Step. What I didn’t know was that the First Step was just that. The beginning of surrender for me. I had just started. I had to face a lot of surrender in this program. Often I would find myself tripping and stumbling over me, until I stopped and surrendered again and again.
How right my sponsor was when he told me that I didn’t know that I didn’t know. I mean I was so blind. I needed these painful wake up calls to keep me going in the right direction.
And always I was forced to turn to my Higher Power over and over again and again. I would sometimes finding myself blindly praying and not conscious that was what I was doing until I would finally wake to the fact that I was saying “help”.
And all of this because of my stupid ego. My self-centered way of thinking and acting, which I didn’t want to admit to. I was always in my way. Humility had escaped me. And like my sponsor pointed out just how dumb I was. Educated beyond my intelligence. And bit by bit I did come to learn what I had failed all along. And I am truly grateful.
Today I look at all of this and have to admit this is where the happiness I came to know in this program came from. It gave me the faith I needed in my Higher Power. When each hope was fulfilled it came true. And over time it has built up that compassion or love I needed to have to hand out to others. I was open to the Twelfth Step.
I just had to stop today and think about all of this, which has kept me sober. I know if I want to experience that serenity and peace of mind in here, all I have to do is look at those first two promises. We will know a new freedom and a new happiness. When I stop and think about that it is a basic way to calm me down. I say that, because I know that I may be trying to practice a spiritual way of life, but I know that I am still human. I still have my faults. And that self centered kind of thinking can slip back in, when I fail to pay attention.
Anyway once again thinking about staying sober. Something which helps me to stay grateful.