Today an interesting subject popped up. Faith being a sometime thing. Belief in a Higher Power being up and down.
For myself I don’t think this is the least bit strange. I’ve certainly been exposed to a whole lot of this over time. I know for myself how up and down I was early on. One minute I’d finally be willing to come to believe in a Power greater than myself and the next not sure what I should believe or not believe. Sometimes willing to have faith and next little or no faith.
I went back and thought about how this all has worked for me. How was it I came to believe? I know that whatever it is we believe in is up to us and not what someone else tells us to believe. Like the BB said, whatever makes sense to us. It could be the program itself. Or like that one man said about how he came to believe his higher power was a refrigerator. He said he always prayed to St. Frigidaire, whenever he got angry. I think he was probably laughing when he wrote this. The important thing he said he had had a spiritual awakening and belief in a Higher Power.
I know quite of few who were very angry at God, when they came in and had to get over that and get a new concept. From a punishing God to a kind and loving God. Others, who hold a faith in something very invisible and different. Indescribable. Others I know who are agnostic and like just what I described. Others I’ve known who were atheists and the program was their Higher Power. The Twelve Steps.
Nevertheless I know what has worked for me is to persevere. To not quit and hang in there and keep the faith. I learned that from my sponsor and those old timers. I would not only listen to them but watch how they lived their lives and their sobriety. Most of all I finally learned how to watch myself. I learned to listen to others and then myself. What was I thinking and what was it I was saying?
Recently I was reading a spiritual book, written by a spiritual man, and alcoholic, where he talked about looking at and studying ourselves. After all it’s my thinking and my reactions which influenced me. My emotions unfortunately. Like one man said today, that he might stub his toe and then blame it on his Higher Power. And here is where I had to learn to change.
Fear, anger, anxiety, worry, projection into the future, guilt and remorse, and on and on. All of these and more can determine whether we have faith in our concepts of a Higher Power.
And this was part of what I had to learn to change. Like those old timers taught me over and over again, I had to learn how to put my intellect over my emotions. I had to learn how to place “sentries” around my mind to keep my emotions from rushing the gates of my mind. Because once my emotions are in my mind they’re governing it and running everything. I’m no longer in charge.
And this is exactly where I needed the help of my Higher Power. For me to learn to depend on the the help I could get in this area of my life. And over time it has worked. For me anyway. I always remember this one person, who began by having a certain tree for their Higher Power. Eventually they came to believe in a God. As they said, a God of their misunderstanding. They smiled, when they said that, but I knew who they were and how really serious they were.
I think my becoming consistent in my faith began when I became aware of my sobriety. When I found myself being grateful for my being an alcoholic. I discovered how much of a wonderful way of life I had been given as the result of my getting sober in this program. All the gifts I found in my life in here. First of all the fulfillment of my hope that I might be able to stop drinking. It happened as a result of a prayer I had said that last night out there. Then coming to meetings and seeing and hearing all these alcoholics in here telling their stories. People who had a lot of time since their last drinks. I wanted that and hoped I would be able to get that. And I did. Then working these Steps and getting a spiritual awakening. The restoration to sanity the Second Step offered to me. The Promises in the Ninth Step. I found that new freedom and new happiness. I was freed from the bondage of alcohol. That made me extremely happy. I found peace of mind and serenity I never had known before.
All this and more has not only restored my faith, but it has reinforced it. I began to hang onto what my sponsor and others told me about persevering and not quitting. I also found that my regular attendance at meetings reinforced all of this. Because I could see others who were living a life like mine in staying sober. I could see and hear their faith in this program and their beliefs whatever they were. Their examples to me and their willingness to go to any lengths to help others.
Anyway I know I needed to sit down and think about all of this today. Another day sober.