Today was one of those intense meetings, where almost everyone was involved. And that was because it was about one of those very dangerous emotions, which could take us back to alcohol and death. Resentments.
One of the things which struck me was why this serious negative emotion may exist in the lives of long term sober alcoholics. And that’s because the only Step which is 100% is that First Step. And that’s because it takes total surrender to help get us sober. The rest of the Steps, because they don’t seem to threaten us all that much, makes it almost impossible to reach perfection in any one of them. We end up being imperfect and stumbling and bumbling the rest of our sobriety.
And that’s what opens the door to threaten our staying sober. I was told by my old sponsor, and a lot of those old timers, that we will be imperfect in our way of life until the end of our lives. So negative emotions, like resentments, will be with us from time to time. And that requires our efforts to grow along spiritual lines. And, as my sponsor and others pointed out, we have to learn how to put our intellect over our emotions. In other words, to be able to ask for help from my Higher Power to push these emotions out of the picture. And sometimes having to talk to others, who will help us do that.
And that introduces us to the Spiritual Axiom in the Tenth Step. That whenever we’re disturbed we’re the problem. Not others. I’m responsible, when I get angry. And definitely, when I get into resentments. When I’m like that, I have to back off and not blame others. Often times it’s the Serenity Prayer all over again and again. I had to learn that the hard way. I remember a time, when I found myself almost in a rage, when I realized what caused this was a lie I had told someone. I had to back up and begin to rid myself of what it was I was going through.
Again it’s because we are imperfect. We’re human beings, suffering from alcoholism. As the BB and those old timers pointed out, we are not saints. I need all the help I can get, I found out over time in here, because, no matter what, I am still running into myself. I may start my day spiritually, but, as the day goes on, my mind and my feelings wander off. I can very easily get lost. And that’s when I find myself getting trapped in my junk, and I need to stop and start over again.
I was blessed by the sponsor I had for a long, long time in here, who taught me what I needed to do to deal with these things. I can remember him telling me that I had to think with my head and not my heart. How, when my negative emotions popped up, I had to very quickly ask for help from my Higher Power. It wasn’t just him, because there is much written and talked about by doctors and spiritual people. And, of course, experienced sober alcoholics in here.
All this reminded me, once again, of why I am here and what I need to do. I need to stay sober a day at a time. To remember to stay focused on the moment and not let my mind wander off into the future, and to not live in the past. I need to put the last three Steps into action, as best I can, one day at a time. And I know that I need to be able to express my gratitude for all I have been given by my Higher Power, this program, and all the people in it, who have helped me so much.