Today, for some reason I can’t understand, my thoughts went back to what it was like, when I came in. The reason my mind went that way, was because something had my thinking going back to how I could not forgive myself for a lot of things out there…and even in here.
As I was going through these thoughts, I suddenly realized that some of this is sometimes still around. The not wanting to forgive myself for things, which really aren’t what I would consider wrong. Nevertheless it always makes me stop and turn this stuff over to my Higher Power, because I’m never sure what this is all about.
To top it off, I picked up the Twenty-Four Hours a Day book, and found the same thoughts in that. My hanging onto this book through the years is for the same reason I know a lot of other friends do the same thing. It’s because old timers did the same thing. In my case it began at my first meeting, when one old timer read the first paragraph from the Jan. 6 page. Have never forgot that reading in all this time in here. It was so important to me and so many others.
Anyway it is encouraging to read that I was not alone in terms of guilt and lack of self forgiveness. It was part of my awful difficulties in the beginning and for a long time after wards. I’m sure that we all suffer from that. I never really hear that from fairly new members, but can just guess it’s true. Back in those days, when I arrived, this stuff would come out from people just like me. I know that my sponsor helped to lift me away from these things. He helped me to begin to turn this stuff over to my Higher Power, by pointing out to me that forgiving myself was not important. It was out of my hands and I needed to focus on staying sober a day at a time and changing myself from where I came from.
What I was thinking I’m guessing is about growing along spiritual lines in here. That always takes me back to the Second Step in the BB and what it said about making a decision to live a spiritual way of life. Like a lot of things in here, I have never forgotten that. It always reminds me of my thoughts that I never wanted to ever drink alcohol ever again. I still think that almost everyday of my sober life.
Anyway, I have to let go of self judgment. I need to think positive thoughts about my sober life in here. I know that if I stop and think about my need to stay focused on my staying sober a day at a time takes care of that. That’s my purpose for being here. To stay sober a day at a time. To change myself and to help take care of those, who come here seeking sobriety. And that’s where my gratitude comes into my life. I’m so grateful to the God of my understanding, and this program and all the people in it, who have done so much for me to help me stay sober and continue to change. Thanks.