I’m not sure, but I might have written my meditation on the Second Step before. What I was thinking about was what it said about the spiritual life. It told me in the BB that either I was going to live a spiritual life or die an alcoholic death. And that was the last thing I ever wanted to do. To die from drinking alcohol. I never wanted to ever drink alcohol again.
So here I am thinking about living a spiritual way of life. I know I don’t consider myself a spiritual person. I think I’m trying to do what this program wants me to do, but I know I’m pretty much what the BB talks about. That I’m not a saint, but a human alcoholic. And the result is that I may dedicate myself to stay sober a day at a time, but I will always be weak enough to stumble over my old faults and defects here in this program.
I remember I was once told that, if I wanted to live a spiritual life I was going to have to grow in three areas in my life. The first was hope. The next was faith. And the next was love. However I was told that I had to dedicate myself to these three and persevere and keep them within me. I hope that I can do that.
Hope came to me right from the moment I was relieved from the despair I had, which aimed me at suicide to end my drinking. That hope made me pray and ask God, as I understood Him, to relieve me of the bondage alcohol held me in, and to help me change my life. And that was the beginning of faith. Love was something else.
I mean here I was finally developing hope and then faith. But love? That was not something I really could settle into. I was, for one thing, immature. I was also self centered. Egotistical. Dishonest. Even though I was married and had children, despite the alcohol, which owned me, it was all about me. And when I came into this program, that’s where I was. Filled with fear and anxiety, and probably anger.
But then something I never expected happened. Part of that began in what was freely given to me. That was the caring and the honesty of my old sponsor and those old timers. And I slowly became open to others than myself. I began to care about alcoholics like myself. Hard to explain. And eventually I started to freely give what was freely given to me. My sobriety. I could now focus and care and gradually it began to grow.
I have friends in here, whom I care and love, over a long time. That helped me to focus on my family and others. But it is still, through perseverance, in here. And it definitely leads me to my Higher Power. At least in respect, I think. And that tells me that I can express it in my gratitude to my Higher Power and all those in here, who have helped me to remain sober from the beginning.
Anyway I had to stop and think about this today. Part of my commitment to stay sober a day at a time. I need to express my thanks to the God of my understanding, and all, who have expressed their caring with me.