Today I had to go through a lot of what I have gone through all my life. Rejecting compliments. I had spoken down in Md. at a friend’s anniversary. Someone sent these tapes out from that talk. And several sent emails out praising this stuff. My reaction was the same it always has been. “Ugh!”
And once again I was reminded of what my old sponsor told me years ago. I was to respond by saying “Thank you”. And then I was told to keep my mouth shut and go on with my life. I did that for a while, but in time I slid right back into rejecting any compliments.
After that talk, it made me back up and tell myself to do what I was told to do. Not a great idea, as far as I’m concerned, because I grew up that way. In fact I stopped and thought about this today in a different way. I looked at what was being said and discovered I really was having a split reaction. My old response was there, but there was also something of a different stir inside of me. I had to think about that and realized it was some kind of acceptance. That was a new thought in my mind.
I know from what I was told way back when, that I was a human being and would fumble and stumble along the way. Like the BB points out, we’re not saints. I remember reading that and listening to those old timers and was never really surprised that I would find myself stumbling over my old faults and defects. I was told that I had to back off and deal with these in the Tenth Step and sometimes having to make amends. My old stuff in my alcoholism will sneak up on me.
I know what I need to do. It’s to remember why I am here. And that is to stay sober a day at a time. To remind myself that I’m supposed to be practicing a spiritual way of life. I need to remember that part of this is gratitude. However I know that I have human faults. And part of that is to try to continue to put these principles in here into action within and without. And that means I have to continue to say to those, who are so kind to me, “Thank you”.
Anyway all these thoughts brought up how weak I am. I can still stumble and fall over my old ways from way back when. Even before I started drinking. I think it’s part of my immaturity, which I dragged into the program with me. I need to go back and try to practice those spiritual steps in here and thank my Higher Power for giving me those, like my old sponsor, who are willing to try to help me work my life into change, so that I can grow up in sobriety. So, to my Higher Power, and those, who have helped me through this program, I want to say, “Thank you!”.