What is it that sometimes enters my mind and causes me to balk, when it comes to thinking about doing God’s will for me? My humanity? My ego? Self centeredness? That’s what our topic was today: willingness.
A number of people, when talking about willingness, including myself, had to admit that there are times, when we are tempted to think we know better, or want to do things our way. Those character defects, which are still there. From sloth to pride.
A friend of mine and I were talking about this after the meeting. The temptation to think I have it made. Complacency and it’s perils. I know there were times, when I was tempted to think I had it made. Witnessing what happened to others, who went back out and drank again, was all that was needed to get me back on track, when that happened.
Someone said that, when they finally reached the point of trusting in our higher power, that it helped them to stay willing. But, they admitted, that took time. My sponsor once told me that we were like people, who had a large beach towel and only tore a piece at a time off of it and gave it to God. A little bit at a time. Waiting to see what our higher power would do with it. He also kept reminding me that we alcoholics were immature, insecure, and oversensitive.
Although I was desperate to stop drinking, it never happened until that moment, when I was in such despair that I wanted to kill myself. Pain was what made me willing to seek help. The result of that surrender was my first spiritual awakening. And, as some said, it is often pain, hitting a brick wall, that opens us to becoming willing. I’ve certainly have felt that and done that. And just as often it opened me to another spiritual awakening.
Everyday is a day, when I need to get open and become willing to turn my life and my will over to the care of the God of my understanding. I may convince myself that I am safe from a drink, but I know that my sobriety is dependent not on me. No matter how intelligent I may think I am, I know that’s not what I can depend upon to stay sober. It never worked before. Nor did my will power. I have become convinced over my time in this program that I owe my sobriety to my higher power, who often works through the people around me, who are sober.
All I have to do is to go to a meeting to hear what it is that will help me to continue to live this way of life. It has worked so many times, why would I think I am able to do better? When I look at what working these 12 Steps has done for me, how it changed my character for the better, my life. Of course it’s not perfect. But it is the best thing that ever happened to me. I have to be grateful for all I have been given, as a result of my getting sober. And being willing to do what this program asks of me on a daily basis is one way of my being able to say “thanks”.