What did I want, when I came here? That question popped into my mind today, when a man said he was coming back. Did he want the same thing I did? I wanted to get sober.
Funny, when I look back at my entrance into this program. I wanted what these sober people had. However, as desperate as I was, I kept my mouth shut and didn’t ask any questions. I remember I would come to meetings and sit there, trying to look like I belonged. I don’t know how well that went over, because I was told later on how bad I looked and I guess everybody knew.
When they mentioned the BB, I would nod “wisely”, like I knew what they were talking about. I thought it was the Bible. And, when they mentioned the Steps, I would again nod, and then tried to remember how many steps I had to walk down into the meeting place. Talk about nuts. But that’s the way I was then.
They had mentioned sponsors in the meetings and I knew I wasn’t going to go down that road. After all, I figured I knew all there was to know. All I wanted them to do was keep on talking until I figured out their secret. I would come to the meeting five minutes late in order to avoid having to talk to anyone and then I would leave five or ten minutes before the meeting was over. Again to avoid talking to anyone.
That lasted only a week. I walked out of the meeting that night and an ex cop was waiting for me and blocked my exit with the words, “Oh, another 45 minute meeting, hunh?” I stepped back into the room to get away from him and found myself confronted by a couple of old timers. I just nodded at anything they were saying and saw a man sitting by himself and excused myself and went over to where he was. I said “hello” and he looked up, but didn’t answer. That led to my palavering all over the place and that’s how I got my first sponsor.
I don’t know anything about the young man, who came in today. He left, just like I did. Very quickly. I could only hope he was as crazy as I was in the beginning, but like me, would keep coming back. We’ll have to see.
What I really wanted was to get sober. I had already surrendered to that 1st Step without knowing it. I knew I was powerless, without knowing the words. No question. Alcohol had such a grip on me that I not only couldn’t stop drinking but almost killed myself in desperation to end my drinking.
Coming here gave me hope. The people in the room had what I sorely needed. They showed me they had the power not to drink alcohol and that’s what I wanted. That’s why I kept coming back.
Come to think about it, I still come back for the same reason. I still want what I saw and heard, when I came here. True, I’ve had that spiritual awakening. I’ve done what was told to me. I stopped that crazy thinking and acting back in the beginning. I guess the Higher Power I found in here did restore me to sanity. But, no matter how long I’ve been here I still want more.
Not that I’m unhappy. This is the best thing that ever happened to me in my life. No, things are really fine. But knowing how imperfect I am, I am still striving to grow up and become a better person. I knew that the minute I heard that man today say he was coming back. I wanted him to have what I found in here.
But I’m powerless and can only hope. Here’s hoping