In 1958, just before his 24th anniversary, Bill W. wrote an article for the Grapevine about the 11th Step. I had read it before, but I reread it last night before I went to sleep. An encouraging essay for someone like me.
What he said was that he was in the “beginners class”, as far as this Step was concerned. He also said that he didn’t believe he was alone in this. Mostly it was about what I know many of us have difficulty with. Meditation.
I know this because I’ve talked to many others in this program about this. I know that I often find myself struggling with this. Over time, I guess like Bill, it was an on and off again process. Early on I know I would read and study about meditation, the different practices, and try many of them. And then, distracted by other things, I would drift away again. Still doing what I either felt or was directed to do by my sponsor or other old timers. Like Bill, still not drinking.
As he said, I drifted toward the 12th Step work in this program, and only occasionally the 11th. Looking back, considering this is a spiritual program, not always a good choice. Not that I regret working with others, but that’s never a full time job and I neglected making time, when I could.
Prayer was always there. Not successful with that, because lack of discipline within me provided a lot of distractions. But a sense of dissatisfaction, much like he describes, has over time actually driven me to correct that error. Discipline, which the BB tells us we lack, has to be forcibly practiced within this alcoholic. Particularly paying attention and staying in the now. The present moment. Not only saying the words, but paying attention to what I am saying. And just as important, why I’m saying these words. Why I’m praying.
Sound dumb? Got no argument with that. And what’s more, I try to stay faithful to a set time for meditation, usually in the morning and sometimes in the afternoon or evening.
How could I forget what my sponsor told me? To not quit. Not to give up, but to keep trying no matter what. Not to get discouraged. I don’t know what it was that tripped me up, maybe, like I said, too much of a good thing; the 12th Step. Working with others. But nothing can compare to attempting to establish a conscious contact with the God of our understanding. To sit quietly in the presence of this Higher Power.
Anyway, I thought about that earlier today. This evening I went and picked up the book Spiritual Awakenings, where I found Bill’s article. He’s right in what he says in there. I’m glad I had the opportunity to read it and think about what he has to say. His words he had written in the 12&12 almost five years before had come back to haunt him and he, like many of us, had to take another look at our program and improve our focus on this spiritual way of life. Glad I did.