Talking about the 4th Step today led to a lot of thoughts within me. Things I have talked about with others. Just listening to them in the meeting today and those I have talked to and listened to over the years led me to some conclusions. Things which could lead back to a drink again. No wonder my life was so unmanageable.
How many times I am reminded of what the BB tells us over and over again. What my sponsor and others have brought to my attention. And what is that? My being self centered. My being selfish. Pride and ego. Always thinking about my way. That always shows itself in meetings like this. And it certainly has shown itself over time.
I have no idea how long these defects or shortcomings will pop up over time, but they certainly haven’t gone that far away. Even in trying to practice these principles in my life, I have found that the big “I” is still there.
One of my good friends in this program speaks about his biggest stumbling block as being his pride. And I recognize that, not always as pride itself, but it’s opposite at times. How often guilt comes back from my past and how hard to recognize it for what it is; self pity. Self again.
What this meeting reminded me of, as did some of the speakers, is the value of what this program teaches us to look for. My higher power and His role in all of this in our staying sober. Prayer and meditation. I was reminded of that when the meeting began and we said the Serenity Prayer. But especially as we ended the meeting and stood and said the Lord’s Prayer.
I remember my sponsor talking to me around the time I went into the 4th Step. He talked to me about my guilt and remorse. He said to me that God forgave me, so did AA and the members in it. Then why couldn’t I forgive myself? And there it was; the first three Steps. Where I was struggling at that time. My ego and my know it all mentality. My driving myself crazy with all this analysis. And then the woman, who opened the door for me, when she told the woman she sponsored, when the woman had asked what God’s will for her was. She said the other nine Steps.
But, when I look back at that initial struggle I had, there’s where I need to go always. Back to the 2nd Step. My higher power. That’s where my sobriety began. And that’s where my dependency is based. When it comes to these defects, which show up at times, I desperately need that restoration to sanity.
Anyway, when I got home from the meeting I had to sit down and think about what is important in my life. And that’s my sobriety and my need for my higher power.