Talking to my eleven year old granddaughter today got me laughing. She had a fortune cookie, which said something about the need to relax. Truth is that she often gets me laughing. Of all things that word relax reminded me of my sponsor.
What has come up often, when I think about him, is what he told me about achieving some comfort in my sobriety. He told me that when I became comfortable with myself I would be able to stay sober. And I have and I am.
Actually it took a long time in here to arrive at long periods of comfort. I went through a lot of things, which made me uncomfortable. Stuff I had dragged in here with me, after I stopped drinking and came through these doors. Fortunately my sponsor and those old timers were around to keep me on track and doing what I needed to remain sober. But time in and working this program began to bring about the changes I needed to achieve that level of comfort.
Looking back at those times, I can see some things which I probably didn’t understand at then. One of those was the concept of a spiritual way of living. It was one thing to surrender to and acquire hope and faith in a Higher Power. It was another thing to begin to get comfortable with my Higher Power and getting into a routine, which would help me grow along spiritual lines. They’re right, when they say time takes time.
Over the years I have learned some things I never knew about myself, particularly in learning to live a spiritual life. The first was how really awful I was, when it came to a prayer life. It took a lot of effort and getting used to the Eleventh Step for this alcoholic. Getting my mind focused on what I needed to say and what it was I said took a lot of effort. The same held true for meditation. Depended on what form of meditation. Meditation, where it took thinking, I found that, as in prayer, my mind would want to wander all over the place. Eventually I learned that I had to stop and write it down and then I could focus. And then, when I began to learn contemplative prayer, to meditate by stopping thinking and remaining in silence, I really have learned how much a struggle that is. Yet it’s worth it. The whole Eleventh Step.
Yet over time I have become comfortable with this, despite my problems. And that’s because I have come to learn how to accept myself. That was something it took a long time to learn in here. And that is what has led to so much comfort in this program. And it opened my eyes, my mind, to what my sponsor had told me. He was right and I owe him so much gratitude through his guidance and directions, which led me deeper and deeper into this program and this way of living. And not to forget all those people I grew to know back then, who supported and helped me through all of this. And of course my Higher Power.