What is it this alcoholic thinks? If I went back to when I was out there drinking, what it was like, when I came in, and what it’s like today, it’s almost like a miracle. But how this all came about was not an overnight event.
What it was like out there is not important anymore. It’s just was and is no more. But coming in and thinking I knew it all and knew what to do had to be interrupted by my sponsor and those old timers. I had to learn to shut up and listen. I didn’t know what I thought I knew. And I was going to need something I didn’t have.
What I didn’t have was the result of what was wrong with me. I had not only a physical and mental illness, but I also was spiritually ill and didn’t have a clue. What I did know was that inside I had a black hole. The old timers called it a God hole. I did know that it was what I was always trying to fill and couldn’t no matter what. I tried all kinds of things to throw down and things would just disappear. And that’s when my sponsor changed all of that.
I needed the Second Step and had no idea that I did. I was told that I was going to have to fill that hole inside of me from within, not from the outside, as I had been trying to do. I surrendered and came to believe and it began to fill. Over time hope began to become faith. And my mind began to change. My thinking started to improve. From anger, hate, resentments, and crazy thinking and images, to caring, sharing, and love. To change.
Freedom from the bondage of alcohol. From insanity to sanity. A new freedom and a new happiness. The spiritual awakening. The Twelve Promises. A new way of life and again, thinking in a more positive way. Fear went away. Anxiety and worry changed into serenity and peace of mind.
This was a gradual journey within for me. It was the application of the Twelve Steps to my life. Listening and learning from my sponsor and, as I said, those old timers. Learning to practice this program by watching and becoming willing to share what I was receiving to others, who came in and needed what I was beginning to grasp.
And like I said, this was not an overnight journey for me. It took a long time in this program. But as time went on I could feel the relief. Along the way the weight on my shoulders and in my heart began to gradually lighten. The guilt and remorse began to fade. My relationships went from crisis to solutions. And I became more aware of the action, which began in the Second Step. I was aware of the influence of a Power greater than myself.
I have never regretted coming into this program and this way of life. In fact I cannot even begin to express the gratitude I have to my Higher Power and the men and women, who I met and who are still in my life. My memories go back over the years and I think, “Thank you” to my old sponsor and all, who played a role in my recovery.
As one spiritual man once said: For all that has happened, Thanks. For all that will happen, Yes.
Anyway this was what I was thinking today.