I know I’ve talked about this before, but something I was reading last night brought it all back. So I was thinking about it again today. It has to do with the spiritual way of life. Something I know I have gone through, not just once but twice.
I know it has been referred to as the “dark night of the soul”. My spiritual director and another spiritual man said the same thing independently of each other. When I was going through these phases in my life they talked about being in the “desert”. Away from the oasis, no direction, just out in the dryness and often darkness. It was like my Higher Power had moved to the other side of the world or the universe for that matter. An overwhelming feeling of emptiness. Dark and blank inside. Didn’t know where I was going or why.
I was told to hang on and keep the faith. Keep up the hope I had found in here. Not to look back to where I thought I came from. Just to keep moving, to keep praying, and not to give up. Both these people knew what I was going through, they had been there themselves. I was told it was a stage we go through. Not to be discouraged.
I did what I was told. I still had a life to lead out here in the real world at the time this was going on. Plus I kept going to meetings and helping where I could. But it was almost unreal. Hard to hold on to faith and hope. I just kept doing what was in front of me. I stumbled and bumbled for sure, but did keep on moving, as I was told to do.
Then one day I walked out the other side of the desert and my inner life had returned. I was back. My Higher Power was there too. Hope and faith were real. I could breathe easier. I think I felt tired, but it was okay.
I have talked to others, who said they have gone through the same thing. And last night I read about it in a spiritual book on the Twelve Steps. The spiritual man discussing the Steps went into in detail. But the thing I remember about all of this is not to be discouraged and hang in in spite of myself. Fortunately I did have a deeply spiritual person I was in contact with during all of this. Like I said, I know I went through it at another time and not as long as the first, but it was much the same and I treated it like I did before. I refused to give up and kept on keeping on.
Again, looking back I saw all of this as part of my growing up in this program. Does it hit everyone? Truth is I don’t know. I only know that others went through it because they told me their experiences. I know that I felt fortunate that I was in touch and pretty much under the direction of those, who knew about this part of the spiritual life. Both of them were therapists also. So that did help, I know.
Why bring this up at this time? I have no idea, except the reading last night reminded me of this part of my journey in staying sober a day at a time. For all of this, I’m still just another drunk. Nothing special that I know of. Still human with all of my faults to remind me. And that makes me remember that I never ever want to forget why I came to this program. To get sober. And, if I stick with it, I don’t think I will.