I was reminded again of just how little I knew, how ignorant I was, when I stopped drinking and came into this program. Here I was, my mind still clouded by alcohol, and all this education stuffed into my head, particularly the seminary years. And I thought I knew something. Looking back I have to be grateful for my sponsor and those old timers.
I was talking to a young man, who is relatively new, after the meeting today. We were talking about the first three Steps. And he almost got me laughing, when he told me that his sponsor wanted him to read the fourth chapter, We Agnostics. He exhibited almost the same thoughts I had back then. I really didn’t want to read it, because, after all, I had studied this stuff. I didn’t need to go there. Yet my sponsor kept insisting that I do it.
Finally I did read that chapter and was stunned. All that my sponsor and others had told me became a revelation to me. I really didn’t know that I didn’t know. I only thought I knew. I knew nothing. In fact, as I read, I was to discover that I was probably an agnostic myself. Moreover, I began to see why my sponsor told me to leave all I thought I had learned outside of the rooms. All that stuff was just an argument to keep me confused and unwilling to learn and change.
So I began to peal this stuff off of my mind. To put it all aside for another day, when it might become useful. But not until I began to learn the basics of this program. To open the door to a spiritual way of life. Something “I thought” I knew from way back. How wrong I was. What I had learned wasn’t wrong, it was just that all I did was “learn”. I didn’t have a clue on how to practice this way of life.
As we talked about the Eleventh Step today, I was reminded of all of this. That’s because of what I read about something Bill W. had written last night, which I had read before. He had already written the 12&12 years before he wrote this article I was reading. When he spoke about what he had written about the Eleventh Step, he said that he felt like a “beginner”. And he said he was not alone in this and was going to have to learn all over again. It reminded me of me. I need to wake up and begin to learn all over again.
Then, before I went to sleep, I read another article on the Eleventh Step. Another wake up call. It’s what I needed. Like going back to that time, when my sponsor and others awakened me to reality. Just grateful that I have had these awakenings.